Happy to see this bumped up again. Yeah, this is a lot of fun—and charming (the word that first came to mind). And I like the mention of the people passing by. I can’t put my finger on it, but this just seems to fit the poem. Maybe it underlines the random nature of life, of bad luck? And it adds to the charm of the poem.
Just some minor thoughts, most of which I think were already mentioned by others (I’ve only skimmed the other comments). I also thought that the speaker might be one of the students, at first. “the year that some of you were born” at the very beginning of the poem should make the position of the speaker clear, but it took me a little time to put that together. Not a big deal, and fwiw. “crash” and “squashed” didn’t bother me until Mark brought it up. “damply” and “crash” don’t go all that well together anyway, imo. Again, for me, it’s not such a big deal, but I agree that it’s worth considering alternatives. I like Mark’s “splosh” suggestion. Or, alternatively, just make up a word for the sound. It does seem like a moment to do that in this sort of poem. One last niggle. Wouldn’t “that is why” be better? Maybe it’s just me, but it seems likely that the story is an answer to a student’s question regarding why the teacher doesn’t carry an umbrella. (And I see the long story in response to such a casual, mundane question as part of the charm of the poem.) Or it could be that I’m misunderstanding something (important) here…
I love “Silver Lining Water” and how it’s “famous for its scent of rain,” and that they fold up Mr. Jones and put him in an envelope, among many other moments. Great cloudstuff, Richard. Loved it.
|
Threaded Mode
