[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Hi Alex,

This is the Baroque rendered into verse. Not to my taste consequently I can offer nothing of help but I applaud your skill.

This structure and rhyme scheme must be the devil to work with.

Regards,

Jan

[Richard G]

Hi Alex,
some species of mirror poem, with hints of 'Sliding Doors'? Like Jan I applaud the skill, but I don't feel it flows as well as it might, and for me the biggest problem is 'riptide' (which doesn't seem to fit at all.)

1/L1 - gilded - so soon after the title is a let-down.
1/L2 - 'bedecked' - that hard /k/ is a bit of a jolt, perhaps 'arrayed' or 'awash'?
1/L4 - 'calendars feels a bit pedestrian in the circumstances, 'almanacs'? (Though it does work in the second section.)
1/L6 - 'play' (how does one play a plot?)
1/L7 - 'steps/grew/ascent' - if you mean 'grew louder' there must be a better way to express this.
My steps on marbled gleam in their ascent
Grew to futures the present hadn't sought
?
1/L10 - confused by 'with' - given 'lobby light lacquered' why not face, / A champagne ... ?
1/L13-14 - here's where it falls apart, for me.

2/L3 - Not sure about 'Have I ...'
How had I forgot her radiance shown,
?
2/L6 - 'timeline' feels far too contemporary.
Through a Gilded Mirror
2/9 - 'missed the plot' seems like a wrong note.
2/13 - how does a profile recognise something?


RG.

[Alex Pepple]

Thank you all for your comments. A revised version is now posted, which I hope better addresses the critique points indicated.

Glenn:
Glad you enjoyed the poem and like the form I used—it’s a nonce form that came to me as I kept experimenting for the right container for the poem, initially in free verse… but it seemed to demand more architecture! At first, I thought of it as a mirror sonnet, but quickly realized it isn’t. So, I christened it a reverso sonnet… Additionally, I’ve come up with a set of form rules for what constitutes a reverso sonnet. If there’s enough interest—as in others with interest in writing one—I’ll gladly post those rules here! I’ve now looked up Lindon’s poem, “Doppelgänger” you referenced: I can see it’s a true mirror poem, and in free verse!

As to your three readings, I’d say they all fit, though one more than the others—and I’m happy about that as I try to write my poems so there are many layers/depths and multiple readings to them.

Thanks for the close attention to meter—I essentially agree with your analysis, and I’ve tried smoothing those areas in the revision, now posted.

“Unrefined” wasn’t for intended nuance of “common,” even though the dictionary lists it as an alternate meaning. I’d think though that “unrefined” would apply more to character than to “face,” where that nuance wouldn’t apply. No, matter, I’ve tried to tweak it for better precision in the revision.

Jan:
Sorry it wasn’t your cup of tea, but I’m pleased you like the “skill” deployed!

Richard:
Thank you for your detailed critique of the contents, imagery, etc. Your comprehensive pointers of what works and doesn’t for you—especially, ahem, “riptide”—alas, one of my favorite lines in the poem! Anyhow, those pointers were truly informative as to what to tweak for the better—including even the "riptide" ending/opening, and I hope what's revised to is like, ahem, removing a scarlet letter for you! And hopefully, the revision now posted addresses most if not all of your critical points.

I have essentially the same response to you about your “mirror poem” comment as for Glenn above. And I’d add that, I wasn’t aware of “Sliding Doors,” which I Google revealed to be a movie with Gwyneth Paltrow, etc. Thus far, I’ve only read the Wikipedia overview, and who knows, I might yet find time to watch the movie itself someday!

Thanks again to everyone. I hope to hear your thoughts on the revised version now posted.

Cheers,
…Alex

[Richard G]

Hi Alex,
I think the revision improves, though some nits remain.
(As far as Sliding Doors goes, I haven't seen it either, just familiar with the premise.)

enrobed in silk, not recognizing me—
Enrobed doesn't improve on bedecked, they both really just mean dressed, after all. How about something a little more ambiguous? (I do like the contrast though between the fancy and, later, her being more plained dressed by the years.) And draped in/trailing/billows of silk ... ?
There's also what might be just a Brit reading but enrobed, combined with the later Silk, sends me towards the judiciary (over here. Silks are pre-eminent barristers, and robes suggests judges.)

Of journals with their dim dates hard to see.
Like the change to journals, not entirely sold on dates though. Would 'entries' link more smoothly to 'plot'?

My steps on marbled gleam spurred in ascent
Are you missing some commas here (after spurred and ascent?)
I turned the corner, certain in my stride,
That looking back tows like a lunar tide.
I don't think this is much of an improvement (hard to think of a tide that isn't, in some sense, lunar) and tows doesn't seem forceful enough. Swallow? Drown?
And, ahem, what does this couplet actually mean? I can't parse it when the 'certain in my stride' is removed.

Had I misread the radiance she had shown,
Now crowned by candlelight's revealing grace?
Her presence, still familiar yet unknown,
Our shared memoirs flash, oblique, on her face.
I wonder if you could find less exuberant language than the underlined? Tone down the excess and so gain a greater contrast to the more ornate first stanza?

In profile, sudden recognizing me,
Silk slips past me along the lavish hall.
After the almost colloquial 'lost the plot, this syntax seems far too tortured.

RG