[Trevor Conway]

So slight
it might be fought off with ease
if only it didn’t come in numbers,
but two dozen gather
and somehow vote for action –
a foray to allay their hunger.

A pittance of energy is all they need
to carry them after panting prey
lumbering all its stomachy weight.

They grasp at a dipping rump,
the hairy tip of a frantic tail,
enduring through the kind of pursuit
where other species wane.

Between these dogs,
there is understanding
that each has a subtle role
moulded by its proven talent:
to chase behind or snap from the side,
to lock jaws on tired muscle
when the time arrives.

There’s little method in the final act:
the breathy beast staggers to a halt,
and soon, it’s torn to a writhing mess
of pain and fear,
disorientated –
no quick end of asphyxiation.

And yet, this dog
is mostly docile,
a slender, affectionate thing
not so different from the curled form
dozing with a nervous leg
on the soft plain of a sunlit couch,
dreaming,
maybe,
of the hunt.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trevor—

This is a very straightforward description of the hunting strategies of wild dogs in Tanzania. I had trouble finding a line that presented the subject in a poetic, transcendent way, or that allowed the narrator to regard the dogs as a metaphor for something else.

I think you have the nucleus of an interesting piece of creative nonfiction. Where did the wild dogs come from? Were they once domesticated and did they return to a feral state? What do they look like? What do their habitat and prey look like? What makes them unique among all other dogs or creatures? What training do their young receive? How are they regarded by the humans that they have contact with? Are there any myths or legends about them?

After writing about them, you may decide that they have a specialness that you can crystallize in a poem. I hope this is helpful.

Glenn

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Trevor,

Like Glenn, I found this interesting as a vivid naturalist sketch, but I felt it didn’t yet transcend into the realm of poetry. There's a clear narrative of the hunt and social structure, but I was left wanting a deeper transformation—perhaps metaphor, symbolism, or emotional insight that might draw the reader beyond the narration.

Also, the title set me up to expect something distinctly Tanzanian—which drew me in initially. However, the text lacks regional anchors—no landscape, cultural, or environmental detail to root us there. In fact this could have happened pretty much anywhere.

Still, the clarity and pacing are strengths. I hope to see a revision that leans more into poetic compression or resonance.

Cheers,
…Alex

[John Riley]

Trevor, I agree with what has been said. This is interesting but is more documentary than poem at this point. That isn’t a negative for the poem’s stage. The imagery is strong. My suggestion is to keep working on it.

[Trevor Conway]

Thanks Glenn, Alex and John for yere feedback.

Regarding your queries, Glenn, these are a particular species of dog, like hyenas, wolves, dingos, etc., that are called "wild dogs", which doesn't really distinguish them enough from domestic dogs, I guess, if you're not already familiar with the species. They live in the wild, and I think you may be right - some details specific to Tanzania might help.

All the best, and thanks again.

Trev

[Julie Steiner]

Hi, Trevor!

To reduce confusion, you might consider referring to these as "painted dogs," which is how the San Diego Zoo lists them. The Wikipedia entry mentions that as one of several other names. Their range is now fragmented, but this species is still found in many more African countries than just Tanzania (where my zoologist sister did her post-doc work on gazelles, BTW).

In this stanza, "where" made no sense until I realized you probably mean "in which":

     They grasp at a dipping rump,
     the hairy tip of a frantic tail,
     enduring through the kind of pursuit
     where other species wane.

I agree that the description of the dogs' activities currently feels more prose-like than like poem-like. That has nothing to do with the lack of rhyme and meter, and everything to do with the lack of a poetic point of view that makes the reader feel they are experiencing and discovering something beyond the surface level of the words. If you would like to change that, an interesting metaphor or simile about the striking patterns of these dogs' colorful coats might be a good place to start.

Hyenas are actually more closely related to cats than to dogs. See
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyena

[David Callin]

Hi Trevor, sorry, I can only add to the litany of "it's good, and it's interesting, but it's not poetry" comments you've had so far.

I know by now that you like animal poems. Have you read any of D. H. Lawrence's poems in that genre? He's not afraid to put himself into the poem, along with the animal, and the result can be electrifying (although it's still mostly about the animal). I can give you the names of a few of them, if you're interested. You might find it an approach that suits you too.

Cheers

David

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Julie,

Thanks for your feedback. And good on your sister! I'm fond of gazelles too, and I have a poem addressed to a gazelle that I'll post sometime on the forum.

I think "painted dogs" might be too misleading for some readers (maybe indicating that humans painted the dogs for some ritual purpose), but I might end up using one of the other alternative names for them. I put the reference to Tanzania in the title in order to make it more likely that the reader would understand these were not regular dogs.

I didn't know that about hyenas. Thanks for enlightening me!

Originally Posted by Julie Steiner

Hi, Trevor!

To reduce confusion, you might consider referring to these as "painted dogs," which is how the San Diego Zoo lists them. The Wikipedia entry mentions that as one of several other names. Their range is now fragmented, but this species is still found in many more African countries than just Tanzania (where my zoologist sister did her post-doc work on gazelles, BTW).

In this stanza, "where" made no sense until I realized you probably mean "in which":

     They grasp at a dipping rump,
     the hairy tip of a frantic tail,
     enduring through the kind of pursuit
     where other species wane.

I agree that the description of the dogs' activities currently feels more prose-like than like poem-like. That has nothing to do with the lack of rhyme and meter, and everything to do with the lack of a poetic point of view that makes the reader feel they are experiencing and discovering something beyond the surface level of the words. If you would like to change that, an interesting metaphor or simile about the striking patterns of these dogs' colorful coats might be a good place to start.

Hyenas are actually more closely related to cats than to dogs. See
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyena

[Trevor Conway]

Hi David,

No need to feel bad for repeating what others are saying. It's good to get a lot of individual opinions, and when those opinions match, it tends to add more weight, I think. Yes, I like animal poems, but the reason I'm posting so many is that I'm putting together a collection of science and nature poems. I wouldn't seem so obsessed if I didn't have this focus for the collection :-)

No, I don't think I've come across any of DH Lawrence's poems on animals. Yes, by all means, pile on the recommendations. I might get some inspiration/direction.

Many thanks, David. I really appreciate it.

Trev

Originally Posted by David Callin

Hi Trevor, sorry, I can only add to the litany of "it's good, and it's interesting, but it's not poetry" comments you've had so far.

I know by now that you like animal poems. Have you read any of D. H. Lawrence's poems in that genre? He's not afraid to put himself into the poem, along with the animal, and the result can be electrifying (although it's still mostly about the animal). I can give you the names of a few of them, if you're interested. You might find it an approach that suits you too.

Cheers

David

[David Callin]

Good luck with the collection, Trevor. (I think I saw a common theme emerging.)

You wouldn't necessarily want to copy DHL too closely, but you might well get something - enjoyment, at least - out of reading, say, Kangaroo, Snake and Lizard. In fact there's a whole collection called Birds, Beasts and Flowers.

Cheers

David