[David Callin]

Cat
in a cat tunnel,
whoosh, straight through
like that,
barely in before she’s out,
that brief acquaintance
with the dark
turning Bede’s sparrow inside out,
a mere frisson
between the friendly light
at either end.

[Julie Steiner]

A tasty bite-sized package for a bite-sized idea. Nice.

If the poem is titled "Cat tunnel," perhaps things might start with an adapted L3 ("She whooshes straight through"), without mentioning either "cat" or "tunnel" within the poem iat all.

[Michael Cantor]

Get rid of "Bede's Sparrow" - it turns a simple and successful poem into an exercise in academic showoffishness.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, David,

This is a model of minimalism—nicely done! With just a few small tweaks, I think it could be even stronger:

• I agree with Julie that there's no need to echo the title within the poem. Starting with something like “A swoosh, straight through…” keeps things tighter and more immediate.
       
• That said, I’m not quite with Michael on removing Bede’s sparrow. I believe it provides another layer of meaning and interpretation that further enriches the otherwise playful image, infusing a sense of the metaphysical.

Well done, David!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Jim Ramsey]

Hi David,

In being honest (uh oh, here it comes) this did not appeal to me that much for one reason—I could not suspend my disbelief. I have never seen a cat enter a cat tunnel and run through to the other end. Their natural curiosity, which I believe is more accurately described as a hunting instinct, inclines them to exploration of nooks and crannies and to attention to crinkles and crackles. Getting them out of the tunnel can be harder than getting them in.

Tentatively,
Jim