Not too much to say here, but a few things:
I read the revision first, so even in the original the central father-daughter relationship was clear enough to me.
Even so, the revision, while richer, feels a tad over-long to me. The key is daughter licks--father is peevish--father gets sentimental imagining this transaction coming to its end. Do you really need all of this to convey that? The repetition of the "breezy..." phrase seems especially superfluous to me (maybe just me). Here it comes again, but does it DO anything?
Another random thought: I know we're on non-met, but have you considered redrafting this as formal? I wonder if the music and snap of light verse, combined with the pithiness of brevity, might help it along.
I don't really care for the revision's title. The peeve is part of it, yeah, but I don't think it's the over-arching idea. How about "Toast," which would be read as referring to the food-stuff until Pops stands up at the imaginary wedding? If you wished, you could then use a different word in that stanza...
Cheers,
--Simon
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