[Roger Slater]

This is quite good, maybe the best of yours that I've seen. I have almost no suggestions, but I do have a couple of thoughts for possible very minor tweaks.

Consider ending L1 with a comma and then deleting "was" from L2. Or change L2 to something like "my father's face aglow with loving light."

In S3, "far into" could be better. It's fine, but arguably a bit fillerish. Perhaps something like "The wind would lift its body to the sky"? Or find an adverb to fill the meter. Or just keep what you have, which isn't really a problem.

In S4, is "strings" correct? Wouldn't there only be one string? What you have is probably fine. I only noted this possible issue after reading this several times, and I'm not at all sure it's something that needs fixing.

Nice job!

[Jim Moonan]

.
This is, quite simply, exquisite.
I like Roger's suggestion to end L1 with a comma and eliminate "was" in L2.

Your casting of the poem's characters in the context of the Pentecost is rich:

"I imagined the father as Christ, the N as a disciple, and the memory of the kite-flying as the Paraclete. The father knows he must depart and gives his son a comforting memory to strengthen his faith. The flame-colored kite above the heads of the father and son recalls the actual Pentecost experience, which properly happened ten days after Christ’s Ascension."


Yes — you must, must, must build a perfect bridge from S1 to S4. Others have pointed to ways of doing that, and I know you'll give it proper consideration. It's already so close... I made the crossing without any difficulty. The first stanza is seeded with biblical undertones (Fwiw, I get a strange premonition of the story of Abraham and Issac as I read it.). The final stanza nearly floats off the page and into euphoria.

.

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Glenn

I also thought this was rather good.

But I did struggle with the mechanics of kite flying in S3. Who is doing the holding and who the running? My memory is that with 2 of you, one would hold the kite and the other would hold the reel and line. The one holding the reel would usually shout to let go. (He may or may not also need to run). The kite holder stays put. I think?

[David Callin]

Hi Glenn. I love the cheeky rhyme of "diamond" and "climbed and".

There is something oddly formal about "He stopped and bowed", as though it were some sort of performance. Or the beginning of a judo bout. (I may be wrong about the judo.)

I was expecting it to be a sonnet too, but the four verse structure does work well.

Very touching.

Cheers

David

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Alessio, Roger, Jim, Joe, and David—

Thank you, gentlemen, for your helpful comments.

Alessio—Thanks for coming back. I’m glad you like the revisions.

Roger—I appreciate your encouragement and respect your skill as a poet and translator.
Do you object to “was” in S1L2 because of the passive voice? Your suggestion is metrically elegant, and Jim seconded it, but I’m not sure the two clauses logically belong in the same sentence. I’ll think about revising it, maybe with a semicolon.

Your question about “strings” sent me back to do some research. I was surprised to find that there are dozens of different types of kites with different rigging for one to four strings. The kite in my poem was a simple diamond shaped kite with a tail from a kit and one string held by the flyer. The skin felt like lightly waxed paper, but might have been plastic. I remembered it as having strings attached to each corner connecting to a single string that is played out from a ball wrapped around a stick. I could be wrong about that, though, as I did not find any kites online resembling the one I remembered. Accordingly, I changed “strings” to ”string,” (the one that is played out) even though this roughens the meter two lines later because of the added “a” in “a seraph’s wing.”

Jim—I’m glad you liked this piece and felt the Biblical underpinning.

Joe—Glad it worked for you. I envisioned the sick father as being unable to run fast enough to get the kite aloft, so the boy runs with it into the wind as dad plays out the string. When the boy lets it go, the dad pulls the string taut to get it up and then, when it settles down, he hands the string to the boy.

David—Thanks for the encouragement. The stopping and bowing are the result of the father’s shortness of breath. He leans forward to make it easier to fill his lungs with air. I can’t think of a word other than “bow” that exactly identifies that movement.

Your thoughts and suggestions have been very useful. Again, sincerest thanks.

Glenn

[Jim Moonan]

.

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

The stopping and bowing are the result of the father’s shortness of breath. He leans forward to make it easier to fill his lungs with air. I can’t think of a word other than “bow” that exactly identifies that movement.

Now that David brings it up, I, too, think "bows" is not quite right and startles me for a split second into thinking it's a gesture of some sort indicating something other than shortness of breath. I think the one word that best describes that movement is "bends".

I had what might well be an errant thought that you might consider bringing the whole memory into the present tense. There is something very powerful taking place in that first stanza that might be kept ignited by the immediacy of what the present tense would bring to the story. I could be suggesting something that, when it comes down to brass tacks, is ill-advised. Just thought I would put that thought in your head. Shoo it away if you don't agree : )

.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Glenn,

I enjoyed this very simple scene. I think you got across nicely the feeling you want to create, and the form/rhyme generally works well. I particularly enjoyed the diamond/climbed and rhyme. I feel like it's lacking an ending, or maybe the second stanza would be a more suitable ending. What do you think?

Some more specific feedback below.

Best of luck with this.

Trev


The memory of that day is like a diamond. [too vague for me: "The memory - sharp/clear as diamond:"?
My father’s face was filled with loving light. [bold = suggested deletion]
Into the cold[,] and frisky wind we climbed and
found a high expanse to fly our kite. [Anything more interesting than "fly" come to mind? "buffet"? "encourage"?]

The uphill walk [stole his] breath.
He stopped and bowed[,] his smile was thin and drawn.
He knew I’d have this day after his death [how about "He knew I'd always have this day" instead of spelling out the idea of death?]
and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.

He said I’d need to hold the kite up high [I'd like to see some direct speech here. It feels like you're denying the reader something]
and run until he yelled to let it go.
The wind would lift it far into the sky
to join the angels watching us below.

I watched, impatient, as he tied the string
so securely to the balsa frame.
The red and yellow paper, a seraph’s wing, ["seraph" feels unnecessarily poetic to me in a forced kind of way]
caught air and soared above us like a flame.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim and Trevor—

Thank you both for your thoughtful and generous responses.

Jim—Thanks for sticking with me on this piece. I understand how “bowed” could be jarring, but I am inclined to keep it because it suggests that the father recognizes that the kite flying with his son has a spiritual, almost sacramental significance. His bowing allows him to catch his breath, but also reverences the moment.

The issue of verb tense in this poem is something I’m still thinking through. I’ll take your suggestion under advisement.

Trev—Thanks for the encouragement and the detailed critique.

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

I feel like it's lacking an ending, or maybe the second stanza would be a more suitable ending.
My thinking is that the final image, evoking the Pentecost story in the Acts of the Apostles, provides a parallel that serves as a conclusion.

The memory of that day is like a diamond. [too vague for me: "The memory - sharp/clear as diamond:"? I think the light in the next line clarifies why the memory is diamond-like. The diamond also alludes to the shape of the kite.

My father’s face was filled with loving light. [bold = suggested deletion] Jim and Roger also want the “was” deleted, so I made an adjustment.

Into the cold[,] and frisky wind we climbed and
found a high expanse to fly our kite. [Anything more interesting than "fly" come to mind? "buffet"? "encourage"?] I got rid of one of the two “and’s” in S1L3 and added another /f/ sound to suggest the gusting wind.


The uphill walk [stole his] breath.
Since the stealing of his breath occurred before the stopping and bowing and both actions are in the past, the pluperfect “had stolen” is warranted.
He stopped and bowed[,] his smile was thin and drawn.
He knew I’d have this day after his death [how about "He knew I'd always have this day" instead of spelling out the idea of death?]I’ll consider some ways to accomplish this.
and hoped I’d have his faith to carry on.

He said I’d need to hold the kite up high [I'd like to see some direct speech here. It feels like you're denying the reader something]I’ll think about this. The N calls it a memory in S1L1, so the lack of quoted speech gives it a sepia-toned quality that I rather like.
and run until he yelled to let it go.
The wind would lift it far into the sky
to join the angels watching us below.

I watched, impatient, as he tied the string
so securely to the balsa frame.
The red and yellow paper, a seraph’s wing, ["seraph" feels unnecessarily poetic to me in a forced kind of way]
The word “seraph” comes from the Hebrew word that means “burning.” In Isaiah, Chapter 6, seraphim are described as fiery angels, so the word connects not only to the fiery colors of the kite, but also to the fire that came down on Pentecost and the red vestments worn by the priest on that day.
caught air and soared above us like a flame.

I sincerely appreciate the time and thought you both put into your comments. Thanks again.

Glenn

[Trevor Conway]

Hey Glenn,

Thanks for the detailed responses. The link with the Pentecost does make the ending more palatable now. I struggle to connect the face filled with light to the diamond, though. They feel like separate things to me. Good to see you're finding the feedback useful for making changes.

All the best,

Trev

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

Hi, Jim and Trevor—

Thank you both for your thoughtful and generous responses.

Jim—Thanks for sticking with me on this piece. I understand how “bowed” could be jarring, but I am inclined to keep it because it suggests that the father recognizes that the kite flying with his son has a spiritual, almost sacramental significance. His bowing allows him to catch his breath, but also reverences the moment.

The issue of verb tense in this poem is something I’m still thinking through. I’ll take your suggestion under advisement.

Trev—Thanks for the encouragement and the detailed critique.



I sincerely appreciate the time and thought you both put into your comments. Thanks again.

Glenn

[Glenn Wright]

Thanks, Trev—

I just noticed that I have had nine people respond to this poem, four of which returned for a second go, and all of them were men. I wonder what to make of that, if anything.

Anyway, thanks, fellas!

Glenn