[Hilary Biehl]

While Glenn is absolutely correct about the difference between crosses and crucifixes, I feel that "hopscotch crosses" would lose something (besides the metrical issue and the rhyme). I don't know, it worked for me as a metaphor.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Max,

I'd like to see more of how he felt. Specifically, I'd like to see some particular memories from his children's school time. Then, you wouldn't have to tell us directly "this was his children's school". It would probably be more effective if it was his own school, and his own memories, but maybe that doesn't tie in with what you want to do here.

A few other parts that struck me as weaker than the rest of the poem were "The memory trembles" (it just feels a bit forced to me), "How long since he’s been here he doesn’t know" (this feels bland to me) and "one swing’s rusty chain creaks to and fro" (the image of an empty swing feels like a cliche, especially to represent sadness some other negative emotion).

More original and unexpected details like the "cracked blacktop’s hopscotch crucifixes" are more effective. More, please.

All the best,

Trev

[Yves S L]

Hello Max,

I am not calling you lazy, more I am trying to articulate my thoughts. I am trying to pin down what is not working for me, and I am running it against various specifications of poetry. If I wanted to call you lazy, then I would have called you lazy, but I don't detect any argumentum ad hominem in my initial comment, in so far as a comment on the poem is an implicit comment on the perceived level of skill displayed by the poet. Saying a poem does not work is not a personal attack. The comment is better interpreted as my not understanding what you are technically intendending.

The poem simply felt like an incomplete scene to me. As in, literally, a scene with missing information. Then there is a question of how that may or not work in an individual poem. I was thinking of a very specific definition of scene: https://storygrid.com/scenes/ It is a more specific way to say that the poem does not make much dramatic sense to me. I assumed your background would allow you to pick up my intentions.

Another person commented "so what?" which is a less specific comment in the same general area, so I personally do not get the offense at my comment, which is more detailed.

Would you be more happy if I said: yeah, you described an empty building where the N's children went to school: so what?

Note that one commenter had to invent an alzheimer's interpretation for the poem to make dramatic sense, that is, they implicitly filled in the details that would make the scene complete.

Instead of beating around the bush, I am clearly laying out what I perceive to be the issues: something needs to happen technically apart from layering on more descriptions.

[Max Goodman]

Originally Posted by Yves S L

Another person commented "so what?"

I've never had any problem with people critting my poems.

You say your comment about my willingness to write something that would be complete was meant to be about the poem. Okay.

Thank you, Hilary. I'll let the cross/crucifix thing sit for a while. It's probably understandable and the hopscotch courts are in the rough shape of crucifixes; it seems to work for some readers. But I doubt Glenn is alone in feeling it jar.

And thank you, Trevor. You've given me a lot to think about, especially that last line. I appreciate your help.

[Max Goodman]

New approach posted.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Max—

I like the compression of “The Empty Playground” and the strong contrast between the lighter, happier first stanza and the darker, sadder second stanza. I also like how you arranged the rhymes to underscore the reversal of tone and connect the two stanzas with the C rhyme : ABBC CDDA. I also really like the alliteration/consonance in the last line imitating the sound of metal clanking on metal.

There is more going on under the surface in the second stanza. It seems that something terrible has happened. A school shooting? Estrangement from older children? The ordinariness of the first stanza sets up the expectation of disaster in the second. The word “tumult” suggests violence. The trash can has been overturned, but the wind is not identified as the cause. The word “empty” suggests the parent’s helplessness to provide the values represented by the missing flag. The reader wonders if the parent has returned many years later to a once familiar and comforting scene in a state of incipient dementia, only to find it in ruins. The “then/now” contrast is powerful in the short poem.

I feel guilty for possibly being the reason for losing the fading “hopscotch crosses” which worked beautifully with the flagless flagpole to suggest the abandonment of the parent’s values by his children or their generation.

I wondered how the poem would play if the parent narrated in first person. By using a detached narrator who addresses the parent in second person, you open the door to the reading that the parent is suffering not only from nostalgia, but possibly dementia. If that is your intent, then you chose the perfect POV.

Very fine work.

Glenn

[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Glenn Wright

There is more going on under the surface in the second stanza. It seems that something terrible has happened. A school shooting?

That is exactly what I thought it was, on first reading, with the reservation that what I thought was trying to come through wasn't quite making it.

Maybe I'm miles out. If not, you're nearly there, Max. But not quite ... yet.

Cheers

David