[Alessio Boni]

Hi Yves,

To your comment on version 2, I guess the reasons for why I would have wanted to join Pantisocracy would be the fact that there is a lack of superficial vanity pumped into us by all forms of media in his rural utopia, thus against the 'Vices Commodities Give' and furthermore, with the total equality of such a society, the 'sanguine sanity' would have instead been thwarted by the lack of any conflict provided by such. So I guess, in a certain way, the theme has to do with Coleridge,

"Whilst pale anxiety, corrosive care,
The tear of woe, the gloom of sad despair,
And deepen'd Anguish generous bosoms rend;"

- S.T.C making 'general' (but much better than mine) laments on the state of his society before wishing to depart. (Pantisocracy in America)

That being said, I do agree with you on the fact that what has been said by me 'has been said before.' It is quite generalized and, especially in the guise of the first two versions, it could be interpreted as as a mimicked lamenting of similar minded people. So I completely changed the poem.

To your comment on the most recent version, I say that the philosophy of Rousseau's Natural liberty, therefore the freedom to do commit vice, virtue, and all you want, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else, is incapsulated in the poem, especially in S5, though by the helpful comments of Glenn, I saw it wasn't so clear. (Look at my response to him for further).

Although I adore Coleridge, his nightmare of being groped by men would make even 'textual' intercourse with another man an insult (in his opinion). - Source; Coleridge, a Bondage of Opium.

Thanks!

Hi Glenn,

I am glad you found the final version a bit more polished then the other one, especially for clarity, and even some musicality as well.

S5 was the Buianese vineyard owner who, living in Italy, wherein feudal laws were still in place before 1796 - 7, had his vineyard seized by "Sires (nobles or feudal property owners) he met but only twice" as was permitted by the lack of any functioning common law to either approach them with scruples on such theft, or withdraw your property as private. So, taking into consideration Rousseau's Natural Principle of Freedom, which was of course one of the driving ideologies behind Pantisocracy, the narrator asks for a vineyard of his own, or even just a plot of land, in which he can pleasure himself with all desires he wishes without the burden of Feudal oppression, which of course, with equality being paramount in Coleridge's commune, the former would not allow any traces of that antiquated system.

However, if that was not very clear to the reader, I shall apply your suggestions, on changing the rhyme maybe, or, at this point, I might rewrite S5 completely. I'll see to it tonight.

Thanks!!!

Hi Chelsea,

Thanks for pointing the repetition out, I will, in my next reworking, work on diversifying the types of words throughout the whole poem.

Thanks!!

Hi Trevor,

Which version of the poem are you talking about?

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Alessio,

The version that was at the top when I posted my feedback.

Trev

Originally Posted by Alessio Boni

Hi Yves,

To your comment on version 2, I guess the reasons for why I would have wanted to join Pantisocracy would be the fact that there is a lack of superficial vanity pumped into us by all forms of media in his rural utopia, thus against the 'Vices Commodities Give' and furthermore, with the total equality of such a society, the 'sanguine sanity' would have instead been thwarted by the lack of any conflict provided by such. So I guess, in a certain way, the theme has to do with Coleridge,

"Whilst pale anxiety, corrosive care,
The tear of woe, the gloom of sad despair,
And deepen'd Anguish generous bosoms rend;"

- S.T.C making 'general' (but much better than mine) laments on the state of his society before wishing to depart. (Pantisocracy in America)

That being said, I do agree with you on the fact that what has been said by me 'has been said before.' It is quite generalized and, especially in the guise of the first two versions, it could be interpreted as as a mimicked lamenting of similar minded people. So I completely changed the poem.

To your comment on the most recent version, I say that the philosophy of Rousseau's Natural liberty, therefore the freedom to do commit vice, virtue, and all you want, as long as it doesn't harm anyone else, is incapsulated in the poem, especially in S5, though by the helpful comments of Glenn, I saw it wasn't so clear. (Look at my response to him for further).

Although I adore Coleridge, his nightmare of being groped by men would make even 'textual' intercourse with another man an insult (in his opinion). - Source; Coleridge, a Bondage of Opium.

Thanks!

Hi Glenn,

I am glad you found the final version a bit more polished then the other one, especially for clarity, and even some musicality as well.

S5 was the Buianese vineyard owner who, living in Italy, wherein feudal laws were still in place before 1796 - 7, had his vineyard seized by "Sires (nobles or feudal property owners) he met but only twice" as was permitted by the lack of any functioning common law to either approach them with scruples on such theft, or withdraw your property as private. So, taking into consideration Rousseau's Natural Principle of Freedom, which was of course one of the driving ideologies behind Pantisocracy, the narrator asks for a vineyard of his own, or even just a plot of land, in which he can pleasure himself with all desires he wishes without the burden of Feudal oppression, which of course, with equality being paramount in Coleridge's commune, the former would not allow any traces of that antiquated system.

However, if that was not very clear to the reader, I shall apply your suggestions, on changing the rhyme maybe, or, at this point, I might rewrite S5 completely. I'll see to it tonight.

Thanks!!!

Hi Chelsea,

Thanks for pointing the repetition out, I will, in my next reworking, work on diversifying the types of words throughout the whole poem.

Thanks!!

Hi Trevor,

Which version of the poem are you talking about?

[Alessio Boni]

Hi Trevor,

Even Yves said something about the standard 'vibe' of the first three verses in her first comment, that being that were very basic and fulfilling the arch type of 'speaking to a lover'. I agree with you that the first version, and even the second, is not clear at all. I am thinking of deleting them completely in favour of the final one.

What do you think of the final one?

Thanks,

Alessio.

[Yves S L]

Deleted post

[Alessio Boni]

Hi Yves,

You deleted your comment so obviously you can choose not to say what was written, but I'm really curious if you had any other thoughts on the poem or regarding anything I said. So, if you do want to tell me, please feel free to do so! : D

Thank you,

Alessio.