[David Callin]

Out of the darkness
suddenly swooped a bird
with mighty wings and legs
so orange, in our lights,
he might have been wearing tights.
He waggled his big head

and walked about a bit -
happy, so we thought,
at our attention -
but distracted also,
acting as though
something was the question

until at last he rose
in a thunderous rush
of those mighty wings,
leaving us mere groundlings
to goggle in a hush
of mute applause.

[Jim Moonan]

.
I'm trying to reconcile the fact that the N is driving in a car yet able to observe the various behaviors of this winged creature. But for just the time it takes for me to read the poem from top to bottom I can indeed suspend disbelief and let the scene play out — Now that's good stage performance!

Aside from that, I reveled in this little vignette that so effortlessly joins the two performances — Shakespeare's and an orange-legged bird that performed the encore on the way home. The second stanza steals the show!

Much enjoyed on this peaceful, pleasant, early Sunday morning.
.

[Joe Crocker]

Greylag? (There is something goose-like in "goggle" and "mute"). Good to know that birds also suffer existential angst. Nice connection.

Added. You do have "mighty wings" in there twice.

[James Brancheau]

I've been looking at both "hush" and "mute." At the risk of missing something that you may be referencing or doing with that moment, maybe the hush before a (our) mute applause? The poem is so clever that I hesitate to mess with it... Either way, this is terrific, David. I especially like that the bird is in your headlights, and the last two lines of the second stanza.

[Hilary Biehl]

This is great fun, David. As Joe points out, there are two instances of "mighty wings."

[Max Goodman]

Fun.

I can't quite picture the walking around in the moving car's headlights, since the bird sounds close enough that there wouldn't be time for this, but I assume the bird is in danger, so that it's question is Hamlet's. I like the sharp double-meaning to groundlings.

Well done.

[Matt Q]

Hi David,

Like others I had difficulty with the bird "walking around a bit" and then "at last" taking off after landing in front (presumably, given it might be contemplating its death) of a moving car. I guess this could work if the car stopped, and prior to that was moving slowly enough to stop in time. Maybe this could be hinted at in the poem?

Other than that I found in enjoyable: light and witty. I like that the question it's pondering is Hamlet's (it took me a moment, but the joke is probably is better for that delay), which works nicely for a bird landing in front of a moving car.

Matt

[Trevor Conway]

Hi David,

Interesting subject for a poem. I think it works fairly well, apart from a few lines that felt weaker than the rest. It feels as though there's a very random sense of rhyme here, and I don't mind some level of randomness in rhyme, but it seems to be abandoned completely in the middle stanza. I found that inconsistency a bit jarring, giving a sense of the poem being underdeveloped to some degree. It might be worth trying a free verse version and a version where the middle stanza has some rhyme.

Also, you could possibly up the ante with the theatre analogy. Could the car's headlights be compared to footlights, for example?

More comments below.

All the best,

Trev

Out of the darkness ["From the road's dark wings"?]
suddenly swooped a bird
with mighty wings and legs ["mighty" feels like one of those empty epic/poetic words; any more descriptive alternative?]
so orange, in our lights,
he might have been wearing tights. [Weak line, here only to satisfy a rhyme, it feels to me, and the link with theatre doesn't justify it, in my opinion]
He waggled his big head [anything better than "big"? "startled"? "spiked"?]

and walked about a bit - ["a bit" feels unnecessary]
happy, so we thought,
at our attention -
but distracted also,
acting as though
something was the question [Develop the question idea more, without directly naming Hamlet. Is there anything to be said for an "Alas, poor bird"?]

until at last he rose
in a thunderous rush
of those mighty wings, ["broad wings"?]
leaving us mere groundlings [nice pun]
to goggle in a hush
of mute applause. [Not crazy about the ending. I think a more direct Shakespearean reference would fit better here, ideally a bird reference; e.g., "I know a hawk from a handsaw"]

[Hilary Biehl]

Originally Posted by Trevor Conway

It might be worth trying a free verse version and a version where the middle stanza has some rhyme.

The middle stanza does rhyme: bit/thought, attention/question, also/though. Those rhymes are not actually any more slant than darkness/legs or bird/head in the first stanza.

[David Callin]

First, thanks for liking it! Then to particulars ...

Originally Posted by Jim Moonan

.
I'm trying to reconcile the fact that the N is driving in a car yet able to observe the various behaviors of this winged creature.

Darn it, Jim. I think I did not sufficiently set my scene. I assumed it was obvious that we had been stopped by the bird, alighting before us, but now I see it isn't. I'll have to tackle that, somehow - without being too wordy about it. Unless I can get everyone to buy into the scene anyway, as you have.

Or maybe I can do something with the title ... "Stopping by birds on a Shakey evening"? Or "Stopped by a bird on a balmy evening"?

I genuinely wasn't sure what it was, Joe. Thinking about it now, it might have been a heron. They're often seen near that road. And thanks for spotting the repetition of "mighty wings" - I'd missed that too.

I'm wondering about hush and mute, James, so that could be a helpful suggestion.

Thanks very much, Hilary. I am flummoxed by those mighty wings at the moment.

And thank you, Max. I need to convey the fact that the car was stopped by this manifestation. Somehow.

Thanks Matt. Again, it's the car : bird position that's the problem. I kind of thought that the fact the car had stopped must be obvious, but clearly it isn't.

Thanks for the detailed notes, Trevor. I'll see what I can do with them - but "tights" can be theatrical, I think? And I spy some rhyming in S2. And so does Hilary. (Thanks, Hilary.)

Anyway, I've got much to think about here. Cheers all.

David