[Trevor Conway]

I haven't fully considered all feedback yet, but here is a new version. Stanza break added before last two lines; "they" removed before "amassed"; lines 9 and 11 changed to avoid the weak rhyme highlighted by Glenn.

NEW VERSION:

Once, they simply watched the sky,
the clouds’ dark gestation of rain.
There was little as to the how and why:
they sought to predict, not explain.
Others brooded over wind and sea;
they studied reports across the coast
and made a science of pressure and heat,
sent ambitious balloons afloat.

It somehow became more complex
as they measured the dense data amassed,
divining all the world's effects,
leaving farmers hopeful or aghast.

Now, they measure by laptop light,
and still, they struggle to get it right.


OLD VERSION:

Once, they simply watched the sky,
the clouds’ dark gestation of rain.
There was little as to the how and why:
they sought to predict, not explain.
Others brooded over wind and sea;
they studied reports across the coast
and made a science of pressure and heat,
sent ambitious balloons afloat.

It somehow became a less simple thing
as they measured the dense data they amassed,
divining what the world could bring,
leaving farmers hopeful or aghast.
Now, they measure by laptop light,
and still, they struggle to get it right.

[Joe Crocker]

I liked the first stanza more than the second. S2L1 felt a bit flat to me and I’m not sure about "laptop light" in S2

And though I can see what you are saying about forecasting and computer power, it needs a lot more than a laptop to make accurate predictions. For any individual farmer looking skyward in a particular spot, then the weather forecast can often seem unreliable. The Met office is trying harder to get people used to thinking in probabilities rather certainties. The weather is too chaotic, even with massive computer power to make helpful predictions much beyond a week or two. But I suspect they are still better than studying groundhogs or cow behaviour.

Given that you have a string of nature poems fermenting just now, I wondered if you thought of bring Robert Fitzroy into the story. He was Captain on Darwin’s Beagle and one of the first people to try to systematically make weather forecasts.

Cheers

Joe
Missed first para
Meant to say I also like the pregnant theme going on in title and first few lines

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trev—

I like your whimsical spoofing of the inability of modern science, with all its mountains of theory and complex hardware and software, to accurately predict weather.

Since you posted this in Met, I have a couple of observations regarding meter. The poem is mostly in tetrameter, but the first four lines form a ballad stanza (alternating tetrameter and trimeter). If this is intentional, meant to suggest the simple, relaxed country wisdom of ancient farmers, perhaps you could include a stanza break after line 4. The next four lines (5-8) are in tetrameter, like march time, suggesting a more mechanical, driven, energetic mood. The last six lines form a sestain, ending with a couplet that reinforces the “punch line,” similar to ottava rima. The only line that needs metrical attention is S2L2. How about something like: with the mountains of data they amassed?

The thing/bring rhyme is a bit weak. You could punch it up a bit by changing the first four lines of S2 to something like:
It somehow becomes a less simple task
with the mountains of data they amassed
to answer the questions the farmers ask,
leaving them hopeful or aghast.

The similarity of the rhymes makes these four lines more of a set-up for the rim shot of the final rhyming couplet. The shift to present tense in the last six lines highlights the contrast between past wisdom and present confusion.

I enjoyed your poem!

Glenn

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Trevor,

This offers a thoughtful meditation on humanity's evolving relationship with weather prediction.

The poem effectively contrasts our historical approach to forecasting with modern methods, creating a subtle commentary on whether technological advancement has truly improved accuracy. Your closing line - "and still, they struggle to get it right" - delivers a poignant observation about the persistent limitations of prediction despite our sophisticated tools.

The structure works well - beginning with simple observation, progressing through scientific development, and concluding with modern technology. This progression is mirrored in your choice of the Shakespearean sonnet form, which starts in quatrains and concludes with a rhyming couplet, suggesting both closure and continuity in this ongoing human endeavor.

While examining the poem more closely, I notice that your rhyme scheme varies somewhat inconsistently (sky/why, rain/explain, sea/heat, coast/afloat). You might consider revising for more consistent rhyming or deliberately breaking from the form entirely if that better serves your purpose.

Your language is precise and evocative in many places. Phrases like "clouds' dark gestation of rain" and "divining what the world could bring" blend scientific and mystical imagery effectively. However, some lines could benefit from more distinctive imagery - "It somehow became a less simple thing" feels somewhat vague compared to your more concrete descriptions elsewhere.

The consistent use of "they" creates a deliberate distance that allows the reader to observe the observers. This detachment serves the poem's reflective tone, though it occasionally risks making the piece feel impersonal.

The transition between stanzas could be strengthened - particularly between the first and second quatrains, where we move from sky-watchers to those who "brooded over wind and sea" without clear connection or contrast.

The volta to modern forecasting works conceptually, though the shift to "laptop light" feels somewhat abrupt after the more atmospheric language of previous stanzas. You might consider introducing more technological elements earlier to prepare for this transition.

This is a nuanced piece with strong potential. In addition to developing the "predict, not explain" concept, you might consider whether the poem would benefit from a more explicit emotional stance toward these changes in forecasting methods.

I hope you find something useful here as you revise, Trevor. Good luck with the piece—I see lots of potential to it!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Max Goodman]

Given our increasing reliance on technology, this observation of its limits is important and potentially profound.

It might work equally well or better if shorter by 4-8 lines.

I agree that "computer" might be clearer than "laptop."

FWIW.

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Joe, Glen, Alex and Max.

Thanks very much for yere feedback on this.

All the best.

Trev

[Trevor Conway]

Hi all,

I've added a new version. Any feedback would be much appreciated.

Thanks.

Trev

[Matt Q]

[quote=Trevor Conway;506159]I haven't fully considered all feedback yet, but here is a new version. Stanza break added before last two lines; "they" removed before "amassed"; lines 9 and 11 changed to avoid the weak rhyme highlighted by Glenn.

Hi Trevor,

I get a bit confused at the overall progression here. The first four lines say that once people just watched the sky and looked for signs. The next four seem to contradict this, saying instead that some people collected data and studied reports. If you want this to be a chronological progression, I'd say you need to do something to indicate this. On the other hand, if you want the two to coexist contemporaneously, then maybe change "they" to "some" in L1.

To, the poem maybe makes more sense if the studying reports etc comes later than just looking for signs, uninterested in causes. Then there's a progression: first studying the sky for signs, next there's making a science, collecting reports etc, then finally, there's getting overwhelmed by the data. In that's what you're after, I'd find a way to indicated that and also separate the first stanza in two. A quick fix might be:

Once, they simply watched the sky,
the clouds’ dark gestation of rain.
There was little as to the how and why:
they sought to predict, not explain.

Later, brooding over wind and sea,
they studied reports across the coast
and made a science of pressure and heat,
sent ambitious balloons afloat.

I found the closing couplet a little disappointing. Essentially, "and they still can't get the weather right" seems a little like the punchline for a piece of light verse, but the somewhat sombre tone/voice of the rest of the poem (which I think is well done) seems at odds with this, and had me to expecting something more, something a little deeper, or perhaps just differently worded. I wonder if it might be worth trying shifting the grammatic subject to the weather, so that it's no longer so much that they struggle to predict, but that the weather actively eludes being tied down say?

I'm not convinced "aghast" is the right word. Maybe a little OTT and out of voice, hence maybe slightly comedic? Or maybe it's just too intense to match "hopeful" with which it's paired. A better match for hopeful might be "despondent" or "depressed", for example. Actually "downcast" would work, albeit the first the syllable is more strongly stressed, you might get away with it as a rhyme.

Metrically, there's some variation in feet per line. Is that intended? Most lines seem to be tetrameter, but there's also trimeter:

they SOUGHT to preDICT, not exPLAIN
It SOMEhow beCAME more comPLEX

and pentameter:

OTHers BROODEDed OVer WIND and SEA
LEAVing FARMers HOPEful OR aGHAST



best,

Matt

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trev—

I like the changes, but the meter in the second stanza (lines 9-12] is still a little rocky.
I agree with Matt that separating the octet into two quatrains would highlight the contrast between ancient weather folklore and modern scientific meteorology, as well as making the sonnet form clearer.

FWIW

Glenn