Hello, James,
This revision significantly strengthens the poem, particularly in how you've clarified the lighthouse imagery. The connection between particles/waves and the maritime disaster is now more coherent, with the physical and metaphysical dimensions working in parallel.
A few thoughts on fine-tuning:
- "that the blessing of its arm could stir us / up and out" – While "stir" suggests movement, it feels somewhat imprecise for the rescue imagery you're establishing. Consider whether a more directional verb might better convey the lighthouse's potential to guide or save (perhaps "pull," "draw," or "guide").
- "the lighthouse's flashing / hand our nearest star" – This metaphorical linkage between lighthouse, hand, and star creates a rich constellation of images. However, the relationship between these elements might benefit from slightly clearer syntax to help the reader follow the connection. For instance, without a verb connecting "hand" and "star," the reader must supply the relationship.
- In "our own splay / of fingers squeezing rock and sand," the word "own" does create a contrast with the lighthouse's metaphorical hand, so I see its purpose, though you might consider whether this contrast really needs emphasis.
- The final line, "laid out for God the nature of light," remains somewhat ambiguous in its syntax. Is it suggesting that the debris/hope reveals light's nature to God, or that God is revealing light's nature through the debris? This ambiguity might be intentional, but if not, a slight adjustment could clarify your intended meaning without diminishing the line's impact.
The emotional progression from hope to catastrophe is now more effectively rendered, and the revision maintains your admirably spare approach while offering greater clarity. The "bodied waves" and "rising and falling / of our hope" create good resonance with your title.
Looking forward to seeing where you take this next, James!
Cheers,
Alex
Threaded Mode
