[Trevor Conway]

Hi Alex,

I'm not sure how accurate my interpretation is, but this seemed to be about a club scene, then, at the end, remembering one's youth. I was intrigued and engaged in the first three lines, but then you lost me. It just felt like the poem/idea got swamped in verbiage (if I'm using that word correctly). I then re-engaged towards the end. I'd suggest simpllifying the middle section, using some simpler language in parts, maybe some short lines for a chnage in rhythm/flow, and potentially developing the idea/thought there a bit more.

I didn't understand your use of "whet" or "the homage honed on fecund frame" (if it refers to an attractive person, it seems overwritten/unnecessarily opaque, but my interpretation may wrong there).

The first line was particularly effective - nicely phrased, without too much obscurity. I'd say more in a similar vein would work well.

All the best, Alex

Trev

Originally Posted by Alex Pepple

Chronicles of the Clubs


Then love would blaze through us within a second—
just time enough to scan silhouette,
fête blonde or not, the homage honed on fecund
frame, face, as the allure was whet.
Insight distilled through years of twilit blights,
till left in homes
                                 beyond our bygone nights.

--------
L3: "fete" > "fête"; "chorus" > "homage"
L5: "Foresight" > "insight"
L6: "held" > "left"
L7: "yesterday's" > "our bygone"

[James Brancheau]

Hi Alex—I admit that the “us” and “our” initially led me down quite the wrong path, not thinking then that they were being used to speak for all men, or a common experience. I thought that there may have been some swinging going on... Leave it to me to jump from A to Z...

I like this, but I want to like it more. I agree with Matt re the heightened language in places. It does make the poem seem a bit removed from the situation. At the same time, I find it kind of interesting, and, perhaps, a possible opportunity if, for instance, the title took this into account. “The Poet… such and such,” etc. "homage,” in particular, seems to go with a poet’s perspective (or what one might more traditionally associate with a poet’s perspective). In addition, that might open up other possible word choices for “insight.” I think “insight” is a good replacement for “foresight,” and I don’t really have any issues with it. Just saying that it opens up possibilities.

I’m very fond of the close, though “homes” didn’t do enough to make me think of nursing homes. I just thought of regular houses, and one-night stands came to mind, the experiences left in various places. Intended or not, I quite like the hint of that there—especially the possible double duty of “twilit blights,” which I’ve come to really like. So I might focus on making nursing homes clearer, without spelling it out, and keeping the above-mentioned suggestiveness. Fwiw, and I've really enjoyed thinking about this.

[Alex Pepple]

Thank you all for the continued attention to the poem and your thoughtful suggestions for improvement.

Matt, I'm glad "insight" works better for you. Regarding the sentence clarity, I suspect "distilled" wasn't landing as intended, so I've reverted to "evolved," from older drafts—which feels more straightforward while still conveying development over time. You're right that the phrasing seemed to suggest "insight" was what's left in homes. I've changed "left" to "placed" (which better suggests institutional placement) and added an em dash to clarify that it’s the men themselves and not insight in the homes.

Trevor, thank you for identifying what's working and what needs clarification. I'm pleased the opening resonates! For the middle section, I've simplified the language considerably. "The homage honed on" is now "our reverence aimed at," and "allure" has become "desire" - hopefully making the intended sense clearer while maintaining the poem's impact. So, even with “whet” maintained as it works on various levels, including the punning level, it should be more straightforward.

James, I appreciate your thoughtful engagement and can understand the initial confusion with "us" and "our." But I agree it could easily suggest something more specific or ambiguous at first read. Your points about accessibility align with Matt's and Trevor's observations, so the simplifications I've made should address those concerns while preserving what's working in the poem.

Thank you all for helping me see where clarity was needed. I hope these revisions make the poem more accessible while maintaining its essential character.

Cheers,
...Alex