There is so much to like in this poem and so many extraneous words to stumble on (unfortunately). It has a sing song quality that is disrupted by these words, these conversational words. I'm concerned that a misplaced modifier is identified as the culprit in another poem reveiwed in this exercise but the SNAFUS in this one go without comment. And in this one, they actually annoy me as a reader:
but found that I’d got something in my eye
After, I wished I’d watched you out of sight
or EVEN run behind you, called your name (very, very extraneous use of EVEN here, ouch!)
And this:
After, I wished I’d watched you out of sight
or even run behind you, called your name
so I could picture you without this blur,
but all I can recall of saying goodbye
is mumbled words "I love you" and "take care"
Ahem. After, blah blah, or blah blah, BUT but but...
what? After this, then WHAT? Now this is where spoken and written English are both in complete, absolute error. I'm actually astounded that this is missed.
Oh, it can be overlooked in light of the lovely nature of the thought itself (wonderful little idea, very lovely...nostalgic, sheesh, I'm in a train station in the 1940's on this one, BINGO for that)...
But the poem definitely deserves a better crit than it has received.. A crit that actually DEMANDS that this poem be somewhat in agreement with the rules of speech.
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