[John Whitworth]

Competition: Beatlemania

LUCY VICKERY
SATURDAY, 5TH MAY 2012

In Competition No. 2745 you were invited to submit an extract from a leader’s speech to a party conference, incorporating the titles of as many Beatles songs as possible.
In 2007, Gregory Todd, a district court judge in Montana and fan of the Fab Four, managed to incorporate 42 Beatles song titles into his sentencing memorandum addressed to a defendant who had cheekily suggested that the judiciary ‘Let it Be’. An extract read: ‘Hopefully you can say now and When I’m 64 that I Should Have Known Better.’
The challenge was to weave in as many titles as possible while maintaining naturalness and plausibility. So while I salute Bill Greenwell, whose entry was composed entirely of Beatles song titles (Andrew Cowan almost managed it, too), I struggled rather with the stream-of-consciousness style, and it was not quite coherent enough to pass muster (though it would certainly liven up any party conference). Commendations, too, to J. Seery, Julia Woolcott and Jayne Osborn. The winners, printed below, get £25; Adrian Fry takes £30.

Fellow Monster Raving Loonies, it’s time to set out our plans for a yellow submarine fleet, raising the school leaving age to when I’m sixty-four and extending weekends to eight days a week. Why? Principally, because. But I want to tell you today, we are a serious political force, ready to shoulder the burden and carry that weight. Labour ruined Britain — remember how dear prudence — so beloved of Brown — proved to be. Remember, also, how the long and winding road to recovery trodden by the coalition led helter-skelter to ruin. Here, there and everywhere, recession bites, binman and taxman alike suffering austerity. It’s pure Lunacy to claim we can work it out: I will make that claim. Fixing a hole in the public finances? Easy if we get back to basics, floating Her Majesty on the Stock Exchange, holding future elections yesterday and maintaining that all you need is love.
Adrian Fry

Fellow Conservatives, we have made a beginning. The word defining our future policy is ‘Choice.’ Not ‘Control’. Don’t ask me why the last government decided people needed laws governing every little thing. But let me be absolutely clear. That attitude belongs to yesterday. Our predecessors were going nowhere. Man, woman and little child can now anticipate the end of poverty. Things are getting better for the party, for the country, for everyone. There’s still a budget deficit but we’ve proved we can work it out. Families will not carry that weight. Women realise the good life is affordable. Your mother should know. Ask her. She’s a woman. The long and winding road is behind us. The way ahead is easier. Let it be understood that the taxman will treat everyone fairly. Today’s message from me to you is: there’s a place in the sun for all under this caring government.
Alanna Blake

Comrades! Do you want to know a secret? The revolution’s coming — yes, it is! We’ll make a beginning with the bankers. They’d have you working eight days a week to pay their obscene bonuses. Their motto is ‘I, me, mine’. Lunch at the Savoy, truffle soup at any time at all. Well, all things must pass, especially bankers. Stalin knew how to deal with such people back in the USSR, and we can work it out too. First, we must get back what they stole from us — money, that’s what I want! You know what to do next. Why don’t we do it in the road? We’ll string up every banker in the land from the nearest lamp-post, and then watch them twist and shout. So let’s send a message across the universe that those selfish piggies inhabit: ‘Come and get it, boys! And good night!’
Brian Allgar

Look around you. Tell me what you see. A country that’s not getting better. A government that cares for no one but itself. A slow down of the economy. Misery for families. You can’t do that to the British people. We need change. I’m not preaching revolution. But we need to listen to people, to get back their trust. Tell me why we lost your support. How can we help you? It needs commitment. It needs work — eight days a week, here, there and everywhere. If we all come together, we can work it out. I don’t want to spoil the party — I need you; I want you. Don’t let me down. Because I promise I will lead this party to victory. I’ve got a feeling it won’t be long. Something tells me the long and winding road is nearing its end. Yesterday is over. Here comes the sun.
Nicholas Hodgson

...furthermore, unless we act now it won’t be long before our present ticket to ride economy turns into a helter skelter-style disaster. Every little thing they’ve attempted has proved a fiasco. Here, there and everywhere we hear the same old song. They promised fiscal stability but that was yesterday, wasn’t it? Oh dear: ‘Prudence’, their favourite weasel word. A day in the life of this government is nothing short of ruinous. I’m so tired of the dog-eared dogma which passes for policy. If I fell for it once, I apologise; I should have known better. It is time for change; yes it is. We can work it out. They leave us a great burden to bear; as party leader I must, of necessity, carry that weight; rest assured that I will. I am confident of our future; I feel fine. Thank you all and goodnight.
Mike Morrison

We inherited the misery of a Labour administration with one leader who thought he was the Sun King and another — Dear Prudence! — who was a nowhere man. Not a second time, however! All I’ve got to do, since we’re in it all together now, is to say that we can work it out. Fixing a hole in the economy is not easy, and we politicians need transparency, however much we hope that tomorrow never knows the things we said today. We all need to show what goes on regarding the taxman. People have been avoiding payment and you can’t do that. It won’t be long before some senior people are exposed, but you won’t see me. In any case there are two of us in charge now, and Nick and I are fiscally clean! I’ve got a feeling, however, that everybody’s got something to hide except me and my monkey.
Brian Murdoch