[Max Goodman]

Thanks, Richard. Your comments continue to push me to tinker and improve. I do think it makes sense for the hearer, in imagining the driver's loss, to think of positive things. He could imagine a derailed recovery. That might be more interesting. I'll ponder whether it is worth the space in so short a poem.

Thanks, Sam. That boulder has caused enough confusion. Out it goes.

I've tried a new title, but it feels flat to me. I'll keep thinking.

[Matt Q]

Hi Max,

It's just struck me that "whatever he had been" implies that the crash ends whatever he had been before. And, OK, the crash will change how he's seen and even how he sees himself. But unless the crash has killed him -- which the N doesn't seem to be believe -- won't he still also be whatever he was before: a father of two daughters, a tech geek, say -- albeit that will be stained by the crash?

I think "whatever he was before" works (albeit injects an anapaest). I think maybe you just forgot to adjust the tense when you switched to the present?

On the latest revisions:

The original criticism you received of "star pupil, family man" was that it was too generic, but what you've replaced it with now strikes me as perhaps too specific. And in addition, the list seems rather random. Why a crack tech geek, and not a rising star in the rock-climbing world, or an accountant, and so on?

Also, for me, the possibilities are now coming to dominate the stanza. The original four words have become two lines of detail that don't, in themselves, seem to illuminate much. To maintain the sonnet length, the end of the stanza has been compressed, and for me, has suffered for it. I particularly miss the line-break at "regret / before-and-aftering" has gone. The lingering pause it gives to "regret" worked really well, I think, seemed appropriate. And without the moment nagging him forever, the regret line arrives with no real set up and for me loses impact.

In the poem, the N is comparing the fate of the person driving the car to his own. He is also making assumptions about this event, the driver, etc, since he can't see it, and I'd taken that as projection, evidence of his self-preoccupation. So I'd taken "star pupil, family man" to be something of a hint at N's owns life. In the current revision that reading is harder to sustain.

In S1, I can see why you might want to change the boulder part. But the replacement is just another 3-item list. And unless I'm missing something, the list isn't doing much work in the context of the poem beyond illustrating the N doesn't know what the man hit -- which does parallel the N's life, of course. Again it seems the choice of items could be any three items. To me, this is less interesting than the N speculating about boulders, and revealing his knowledge of the local area (he knows there are no boulders nearby that are near enough to a road to be hit).

I wonder if there's a way to make the final line / final list item do some figurative work, to resonate with the theme of the poem somehow? For example, if it were to say, "What obstacle has brought him to a halt?", there'd be a literal and a figurative read.

Finally, the title. I actually quite like the thread title. It drew me in. I wanted to know more: what sound? what happens?

I read the original it as if it were "Hidden. City Night". I'm assuming the comma wasn't there to separate two modifiers of "night", because as adjectives they're not coordinate (but maybe that's the effect intended?). And "hidden" is appropriate enough. The car accident that occurs is hidden (from the N's sight). And the cause of the N's own downfall is hidden (from his knowledge, his mind). And "city night" gives the location, and something of an image, which the revised title loses.

I guess I have a prejudice against abstract titles that don't seem to do more than name or spell out an aspect of the poem's theme, which I think the new title is doing. Maybe all I can really usefully say is that neither title draws me in or pique my curiosity in the same way the thread title does. Though I do prefer the original title over the revised one, because "city night" adds something evocative, and something suggestion of something hidden in/on a city night adds a touch of mystery.

best,

Matt

[Julie Steiner]

From ghoulies and ghosties and long-leggedy beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord deliver us.

I live within earshot of an awkward corner that used to send speeders airborne and into our neighborhood's electrical panel every few years. Screech, thump, lights out for several hundred households. The power company finally moved it, thank goodness. Now we just hear the screeches. When there used to be a bump, neighbors would call 9-1-1 and then hurry over to offer help, since we knew where the crash was.

I appreciate that the narrator is probably sketching a sort of self-portrait while imagining the wayward driver, because sometimes empathy works most strongly that way; but statistically speaking, that driver is most likely to be a teenager, or at least under the age of twenty-five. (They always were, in my neighborhood.) Perhaps "a promising student-athlete" or similar could be added to the list of possibilities, before the super-specific stuff kicks in. Injuries from a car accident might well end an athletic career, not just a reputation.

I'm not quite sure of the syntactical relationship between "regret before-and-aftering" to the comma-separated series before it, but since it doesn't seem to be part of that series, you might consider breaking it off from that somehow.

[Max Goodman]

Matt, I'm grateful for your detailed reaction. Very helpful.

I do feel that its appropriate--and stronger than strict grammatical correctness--to suggest the hearer imagines the driver's old life to be over.

I've restored the enjambment before before-and-aftering. Thank you.

As to the rest: you've given me a lot to think about, and I will do that.

Thank you.

Thank you, Julie. I'm glad the power company moved that electrical panel. I hope that also means that the injuries are less frequently severe. I've more strongly separated that regret from the list before it. Thanks.

[Max Goodman]

Thank you, Erik.

The first person, among other problems, feels (more) self-pitying.

Tetrameter has a completely different feel, but that there are so many feet in such a short poem which can be seen as filler I've taken to heart.

Thanks for the nudges.