[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Rick,

Your explanation of why **"the morning after isn't our domain"** works for you makes perfect sense—it captures the idea of the event (death) being outside our control, and I see why you’re attached to it.

That said, since you’re now aware of the off-rhyme (and still considering a full rhyme), how about this alternative?

The morning after, not our realm to claim.

This keeps the idea of "domain" intact. "Realm" feels closer in tone and meaning than your current "... fit the frame," while still engaging with the notion of borders, limitation, and art that you were exploring. So, one more thing that might be worth considering!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Rick Mullin]

Hi Alex,

Thanks.

Still not sure about my "fit the frame" alternative. What I like about it is the notion of exclusion. It's not there--that being the case in which we know that another thing that is not seen, the house, is there but obscured. We are cut off from the morning after by the frame. It goes on outside the picture.

Just a note--Opinions vary on this, but I prefer not to have lines or stanzas rewritten as a suggested changes in a critique. I'd really rather that the thing ends up written by me in the end. A suggestion for a rhyming word is not problem, generally, but I really dislike anything more than that. Simply pointing out a rhyme discrepancy is all I really need. Then I will dig in with a lengthy justification for being wrong. Twenty four hours after that, I will come back and do something about it ~,:^)

Rick

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Rick,

I completely understand your preference for working through revisions yourself, and I appreciate the thoughtful deliberation you put into every choice. That said, I’ve always viewed specific line suggestions as just that—something to take, leave, or modify, a jumping-off point rather than a blueprint. Sometimes, the best outcome isn’t the suggestion itself, but how it sparks something uniquely the poet’s own.

Your explanation of **"fit the frame"** makes a lot of sense—it really does reinforce the idea of exclusion and perspective within the painting’s limits.

Cheers,
...Alex

[Rick Mullin]

But Alex, once you've suggested a line or lines, they can't be used. I wouldn't use them. Who wants to put footnotes at the end of their poems ~,:^) Clearly you're suggestions are for the poet to take or leave and you're doing it to be helpful, but it's best to ask before engaging in rewrite, I think.

[Alex Pepple]

That's an interesting perspective, Rick! It never even crossed my mind that anyone would feel the need to credit a specific suggested line to a particular member here. In my experience, anything shared in these workshops—whether vague or specific—can be freely absorbed, reshaped, or discarded by the poet without ceremony. At most, I’ve seen poets give a general, non-specific acknowledgment to Eratosphere in their collections, but nothing beyond that. Well, that’s my take on it, anyhow!

[Rick Mullin]

I must persist! ~,:^)

I've been absorbing, reworking, and discarding things here for a looonnnggg time. I get the drill. But I do think a line is crossed once a critic writes a line or more of rewrite rather than suggesting that a line could use work and identifying what might be a problem. "Your meter is off in line 6" or "train and flame are not a true rhyme" I have all sorts of problems with it, actually. As I mentioned to begin with, observations vary on this. I'd rather not be shown how to do it, because I can do it. I just want to know where you think I should go back to work. I appreciate the critique I receive here and routinely thank the enterprise in acknowledgements. Thanks again big time for getting me out of a real hole on line one with this poem by suggesting a word switchg.

Rick

[Jim Moonan]

.
My favorite poem you've posted here since the "Nixon Man" one about your father. This one I'm still absorbing, but I like the gallop of it. I'm most often bedeviled by the villanelle. This one is no different. I suffer as I read it.

One odd observation: You say the rider is riding "clockwise", yet in the painting the rider appears to be going counter-clockwise. Also, no matter how hard I try, I can't help but see a scythe in the right hand of the rider, but my mind tells me that it's not; that it's a road outside the fence. (Or is it inside the fence?) The lack of color gives me a feeling of deprivation. It's one of the most unpleasant depictions of existence I've ever seen. It feels like isolation. It looks purgatorial. But your interpretation is vigorous.

There is a shred of hope embedded in both the poem and the painting: the track is circular.

Bleak but vital poem, Rick.

.

[Roger Slater]

Jim, to me the picture clearly shows the rider is going clockwise. I'm not sure why you see it differently.

[Rick Mullin]

Thanks Jim,

You're comparing this to something I landed in the counterclockwise stampeding journal The Dark Horse. So thanks! I like how it made you suffer!

Sometimes you find images of paintings online that are flipped. It isn't all that unusual. Go to the link that I got around to placing at the top of the poem. That is the correct orientation.


Rick

[Hilary Biehl]

I like this very much. There are lines I don't quite understand, but I'm OK with that. It definitely evokes a mood and a sort of numinous meaning. "Candescent jockey" is wonderful. Thanks for the wild ride.