[Trevor Conway]

Hi Glenn,

I enjoyed this. It works very well overall. That said, I have plenty of feedback, as detailed below for handiness.

Best of luck with this.

Trev

Cut [how about "Wound"? I often find the repetition of the title in the first line gives the sense of a lack of imagination in word choice]

Today[,] with Occam’s razor[,] I cut my heart, [great opener]
poking around my lover’s [or just "her"?] glib excuses.
Most of the lies were flimsy. They fell apart
when touched [or diluted/prodded?] by tears. I saw that the abuses [bold = delete]
had been there in plain sight [any more original phrase for in plain sight?] For quite a while.
I bandaged my injury with a forced smile. [Nice idea here]

Considering all the evidence together,
of course[,] her words and heart had been untrue.
I’d tried to explain her moodiness as weather,
the storms and dry spells couples all go through.
Receipts, unexplained absences, the phone call
from a strange man—I’d put them behind a wall. [This feels a bit weak towards the end, the wall idea there simply to rhyme with call. I think you could do better. Even "all" would probably conjure up something better, like "I'd squashed/refuted/undone them all"]

I told her I had finally solved her puzzle.
Her silent nod congratulated me.
I stayed composed by straining every muscle
while listening to the [her] curt apology[,]
she offered, like a [steaming/sizzling] bowl brimful of acid.
Her voice was steady[,]; her features, smooth and placid.

[Some re-structuring and deletion below - easier to illustrate my suggestions by just writing it out anew]

Naming it out loud was oddly calming.
I came to accept that I could manage.
The news itself was less damning,
and I was resolved to clean the damage.
Relieved, she packed, and left her key,
cutting me loose and setting herself free. [How about "..., and we both were free"?]

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trev—

Thanks for taking the time to give such a detailed and thoughtful analysis and critique of my poem. I used two of your suggestions to improve it.

First, I agree that S2L6 was weak and rhyme-driven. I replaced “I’d put them behind a wall” with “I’d overlooked them all,” which works much better logically and metrically.

Second, I liked the idea of suggesting a happier ending by changing “and set herself free” to “and set us both free” in the last line. The N would not have seen it as being for the best before the breakup, but now begins to realize that he is better off.

I appreciate your help.

Glenn

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

I think this tells its story well. I also think it ends in the right place. The voice is measured and straightforward -- no poetic intrusions, which I think works well. That said, the N's tone is very measured for a story of betrayal and the ending of relationship that's being told on the day it happened. One might expect some anger, or bitterness or recriminations in the immediate aftermath. I did wonder if you started the poem, "That day" instead of "Today" it would allow for some time to have passed for the N to have realised that actually the ending was a good thing, and this might better account for the measured tone. Of course, he may have come to this realisation immediately and consequently felt quite calm about it all. Anyway, just a thought.

In S1, I wonder if there's a little too much distancing, "the lies", "the abuses", and I wondered if at least one of the "the"s should be replaced by "her"?

"unexplained absences", seems something of a well-worn phrase, plus I wonder if there's something less abstract/technical sounding? "The nights she stayed out late", say? (perhaps that not much fresher, but it is less abstract). I dunno, maybe it's just that I find, "receipts, unexplained absences" lacking in music.

S2L6, "overlooked" is somewhat ambiguous. It can mean he didn't notice the clues, or it can mean he noticed them but let them pass. Probably context is enough to tie down which sense is intended, but maybe a different verb?

Here in S3:

I stayed composed by straining every muscle
while listening to the curt apology
she offered, like a bowl brimful of acid.

My first thought that was that "she offered" seems redundant insofar as it tells me nothing knew. I already know who's apologising.

Then I started to wonder what, exactly, was "like a bowl brimful of acid". Grammatically, it seems to say, "Like a bowl brimful of acid, I stayed composed by straining every muscle ...". I think it's much more likely you mean that the apology is offered as one would offer bowl of acid. In which case, I think you have an errant comma in that line. Lose it and these lines make more sense to me, and in addition the offering part no longer seems redundant since it connects to the image of offering a bowl.

a premonition, threatening and alarming,
now, just a paper cut, deep in the skin,

I think you need to lose the comma after "now".

best,

Matt

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Matt—

Thanks so much for your detailed and very useful critique! Lots of excellent ideas here. You really helped me bring my thoughts into focus.

Originally Posted by Matt Q

N's tone is very measured for a story of betrayal and the ending of relationship that's being told on the day it happened. One might expect some anger, or bitterness or recriminations in the immediate aftermath. I did wonder if you started the poem, "That day" instead of "Today" it would allow for some time to have passed for the N to have realised that actually the ending was a good thing, and this might better account for the measured tone. Of course, he may have come to this realisation immediately and consequently felt quite calm about it all. Anyway, just a thought.
This is an excellent point. In the first version, the N is still struggling with his shock and confusion at the betrayal. When I changed the last line from “set herself free” to “set us both free,” I am implying that the N realizes that the breakup was for the best, and he seems to be an older and wiser version of the betrayed young man. I removed “Today” to make this clear.

In S1, I wonder if there's a little too much distancing, "the lies", "the abuses", and I wondered if at least one of the "the"s should be replaced by "her"? Done.

"unexplained absences", seems something of a well-worn phrase, plus I wonder if there's something less abstract/technical sounding? "The nights she stayed out late", say? (perhaps that not much fresher, but it is less abstract). I dunno, maybe it's just that I find, "receipts, unexplained absences" lacking in music.
I think “late night homecomings” is at least more specific if not more musical.

S2L6, "overlooked" is somewhat ambiguous. It can mean he didn't notice the clues, or it can mean he noticed them but let them pass. Probably context is enough to tie down which sense is intended, but maybe a different verb? I like this word precisely because of that ambiguity. The N is surprised at his own gullibility. “Of course” she was lying. How could he have missed it? Perhaps because subconsciously he wanted to.

Here in S3:

I stayed composed by straining every muscle
while listening to the curt apology
she offered, like a bowl brimful of acid.

My first thought that was that "she offered" seems redundant insofar as it tells me nothing knew. I already know who's apologising.

Then I started to wonder what, exactly, was "like a bowl brimful of acid". Grammatically, it seems to say, "Like a bowl brimful of acid, I stayed composed by straining every muscle ...". I think it's much more likely you mean that the apology is offered as one would offer bowl of acid. In which case, I think you have an errant comma in that line. Lose it and these lines make more sense to me, and in addition the offering part no longer seems redundant since it connects to the image of offering a bowl. Agreed. Removing the comma fixes the dangling modifier.

a premonition, threatening and alarming,
now, just a paper cut, deep in the skin,

I think you need to lose the comma after "now".
The comma here is more musical than grammatical. I want a pause after “now” to emphasize the contrast between his first reaction to the betrayal as a stab to the heart and his realization that it was more of a painful (but possibly therapeutic) inconvenience.

[Matt Q]

Hi Glenn,

The issue for me with the comma is that it makes it (syntactically) unclear which clause "now" applies to, since there's a clause to either side and it's not obviously attached to either. So do I read:

It gave some weight and shape to what had been a premonition, threatening and alarming now, just a paper cut, deep in the skin ...

or

It gave some weight and shape to what had been a premonition, threatening and alarming, now just a paper cut, deep in the skin ...

Which have quite different meanings. I guess if you want to keep the comma, maybe you can clearly detach "now" from one of the clauses? Maybe:

It gave some weight and shape to what had been
a premonition, threatening and alarming—
now, just a paper cut, deep in the skin,

Anyway, I guess all I really can say is it's not working for me as it is. But people do approach punctuation differently.

Best,

Matt

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Matt—

I see your point. I think the best fix is simply to lose the comma after “now.” Thanks again!

Glenn