[Maryann Corbett]

Lee, thanks for all these generous insights. I'm going to try a revision of my lone effort to see if I'm any closer to getting it.


Icy walking bridge.
Below, the highway screams.
Even air is frozen.

[Martin Elster]

Greetings, Lee.

Below are the 9 haiku I posted in the open mike, plus one new one.

Crickets near corn field:
Is this grand recital for
The ears of the corn?

A praying mantis
Squashed dead against the doorjamb —
Preyed on by the door.

One tiny cricket
Stridulates in the bedroom.
My dog sleeps; I don’t.

A green grasshopper
Clings to the bedroom lampshade;
The window's open.

Dog days of summer;
Fruit flies fly around
In the refrigerator.

The dog is scratching;
A wee flea on his hind leg
Is getting seasick.

Sleep … Walk dog … Eat … Walk
dog … Sleep … Walk dog … Eat … Walk dog …
Sleepwalk … Eat dog … Oops!

What’s Fido feeling
Riding in the fast auto,
Autumn flying past?

In a shop window,
A dog sees his reflection—
Both of them growling.

Naked clothes hangers
Lined up like xylophone bars;
Sunbeams play their wood

[Stuart Farley]

Maryann,

If I may make a comment on your piece -

I like this one, as well as the original one. It evokes a certain feeling (and I mean that in a sensual way), but I find it static. Each line repeats a moment and the piece fails to progress in terms of space and time.

The juxtaposition or the caesura of haiku implies a leap, either in time or space or both.

But the static nature of your haiku may work for others. I s'pose my crit isn't so much a crit but an opinion.

Incidentally, has anyone come across Pierre Reverdy's notion of the poetic image? Whilst he never wrote haiku himself, the presence of a juxtaposing cut in the form of haiku reminds me of his idea that:

"[the poetic image] is not born from a comparison but from a juxtaposition of two more or less distant realities.
"The more distant and true the relationship between the two realities, the stronger the image will be - the more emotional power and poetic reality it will have."

I have this idea in mind whenever I'm writing haiku! It's almost as though Pierre were talking about haiku.....

Stuart

[Mary Meriam]

Another haiku lesson - do not get up at 5:45 am, see the full moon in the west, dash off a haiku, then think you can post it in a master class without revising it.

Today's turtle update - I saw the same turtle, in the same spot on the highway's center strip, now squashed. Poor turtle!

[Donna English]

Mary, I can never understand why turtles get hit. It just breaks my heart. It's not like they are darting out in front of the car. A slight swerve or tires on either side and the turtles fine. I think there are asses out there who purposely run them over. Okay done. Sorry Lee!

Donna

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Stephen Collington:
Hi Stuart, Lee,

Stuart, seeing your name up above reminded me of something you said on our Warm-Up thread that I thought was interesting, and that I think might make a useful question for Lee to address with us:

Now, I know you say "in the best possible way," and I agree that that is sometimes the result. But as a personal observation, I often find that haiku suffer from being too much like annotations, or even definitions in a dictionary. So, to use a deliberately bad made-up example,

autumn evening
cool wind blows in from the west
as sun is setting

You don't say!

This is one of the traps that beginner haikuists often seem to fall into--and sometimes, not-so-beginners too. Lee's been giving us some very insightful advice on "sparking distances" today . . . this may come under the the general heading too, I suppose. Anyway, Lee, if you've got a moment, it seems an interesting question. Any thoughts?

Steve C.

p.s. (Editing back.) Look Lee, you've got a star now!

p.p.s. (Editing back again.) Just realized how funny my salutation at the top of the post must look! Now all we need is a Jackson.

Steve, It sounds like what you are referring to is what we often call "nature notes." Though haiku often begin as journal entries, a journal entry generally do not make a haiku (sic). Something must be added if it isn't already there: significance. As you point out, without significance we have a "so what?" haiku.

p.p.s. Charge!

[Seree Zohar]

Shalom Lee

we read, we try to learn and we'll see just how much by your (much appreciated) comments - and so, another beginner charges (in):


Tulips, a fine spray
Bloemenmarket's scented carpet
guaranteed never-shrink

Mist powders gracht* foliage
faster than scant sun-breezes dust:
water off cygnets’ backs

“The Jewish Bride” hosts
immaculate despite centuries
dead flies at her hem

[*canal]

[Cally Conan-Davies]

Haiku, in memory of the turtle.

bird's nest
balls of fluff
under your bed


winter coat
a shot of heat
red hair on the collar

Lee, you have been marvelous. If you have time, could you say if these are nearer haiku than my first attempts?

Cally

[Henrietta kelly]

Cally. I used to live in the city where road kill was the norm daily- cats, dogs, brats,

Now in a town of 27000 workers there is not a rat to be seen squished. Seems we aim to kill for the thrill of it when not busy.

so I want to give your pet a new life ~~ henie

Turtle tin
In a spin
Middle of a road

[Lee Gurga]

Originally posted by Maryann Corbett:
Lee, thanks for all these generous insights. I'm going to try a revision of my lone effort to see if I'm any closer to getting it.


Icy walking bridge.
Below, the highway screams.
Even air is frozen.

Maryann, It really would be much, much better if you could share more than one poem, but absent that please send both versions of this one. Lee