[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4287
Set by J Seery
We asked for advice from trainers to sportsmen on how they could benefit from utilising the tactics and practices of politicians.

This week’s winners
You must have exhausted yourselves entering the Gerard Manley Hopkins competition (a record postbag, my dears!), as numbers declined somewhat this week. An hon mensh to Derek Morgan (“PMQs: post-match questions? Blame the opposition – that’s the other lot – or our last gaffer”) and M E Ault (“Kiss as many babies as possible on the way to the stadium . . . When things go awry, do as politicians do: blame the opposition”). The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Adrian Fry.

Think outside the box
Yes, you can learn a lot about boxing from politics. There’s how to jab like John Prescott, sure, but you could Jag like him, too: flaunt what you’ve got and wind up your opponent. Like Mao Zedong’s “Let a hundred flowers bloom” campaign, tempt your opponent to think you’re slower than a judge-led review, softer than a Liberal Democrat drugs strategy and weaker than successive Italian coalitions.
Then, out of nowhere, the way Harold Wilson resigned, hit him with a left hook that Chumbawamba would envy. Oh, he’ll come back at you with the unfocused fury of a UK Uncut campaign but preparation always trumps passion, as Mrs Thatcher proved by upping coal reserves in 1979 for a strike that didn’t happen until 1984.
And no matter the strength and skill of your opponent, remember that nothing is impossible – you’ve seen Melvyn Bragg take ermine, after all.
Adrian Fry

Fair is foul and foul is fair
The best tactic you can use when approached by someone about to tackle you is to slither, either to the right or left – or, if you have time, to go off on a tangent away from the danger area. Never use violence, even if violence is threatened to you, as this is self-defeating and will lose you the sympathy of not only your team but the public in general.
If you’re confronted with an obstacle that you feel is insurmountable, then it is time to use diversionary tactics. Fall over and then claim that your opponent tripped you. Never be afraid to cry “Foul!” if it is remotely possible that one could have been perpetrated on you. Eloquence in describing the incident will work in your favour.
If all else fails, confuse your opponent by stopping and pointing at the crowd. If you are asked to explain, say you saw someone with a weapon.
Katie Mallett

Listen up, Aussie cricketers
–Remember: lack of talent is no bar to success.
–Remember: being out doesn’t mean you won’t be in again shortly.
–Remember: the really dangerous stuff comes in very fast from the right.
–Remember: going over the top is a good tactic sometimes.
–Remember: loud-mouthed boorishness is often the way to go.
–Remember: grass roots are good but grassing Root is probably unwise.
–Remember: Broad appeals are usually a waste of time.
–Remember: whatever people may say, nobody loves a gallant loser.
–Remember: good spin is the key.
–Remember: the back foot is the wrong foot when things get ugly.
John Whitworth

When the dog whistle blows
Right, heads up, lads. This season, we’re going to take a few lessons from that collection of riff-raff at Westminster. First off, we’re going to play without a left-winger, dragging the opposition into the centre and right of the pitch, where they’ll get smothered as they run into our heavy-duty midfielders. “Feed the right wing” will be our plan.
Next: nothing personal, Carlos, Heinrich, Mehmet and Benito, but we all know there’s been an influx of foreign players. Best way to picture it – there’s our foreigners and there’s the other team’s foreigners. Our foreigners respect our way of life. Theirs are greedy parasites. So, no outright racism but don’t forget to dog-whistle the ref; could be worth some free kicks, penalties and red cards in our favour.
Finally: when in doubt, put it in the mixer, create a general panic, get everyone distracted, take advantage.
Basil Ransome-Davies