New Statesman -- agony aunt winners
No 4293
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for letters from people found in literature asking for help from an agony aunt in a newspaper/magazine of your choice and their answer.
This week’s winners
What fun you had. Hon menshes go to Peter Goulding (“I have been having niggling doubts about my popularity. It’s probably this war with Eastasia – (or is it Eurasia?) – but sometimes I get the impression that my magnetic hold on a third of the world’s population is down to a none-too-subtle form of mind control, rather than genuine affection”) and John Colby (“The problem is that the animals do talk to me and what they say is perfectly clear; it is humans I completely fail to comprehend . . . Could I really just be hearing and seeing things?”). The winners get £25 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Rob Stuart.
Dear Deirdre
I am a successful businessman, having worked my way up from humble origins, and have recently been elected as Conservative mayor for one of the most important cities in Wessex. However, my past has come back to haunt me. When I was a young man I went to a fair and got terribly drunk. While drunk, I sold my wife and child to a passing sailor – as one does. Now my wife has come back and is threatening to expose me. Is my political career over?
Michael Henchard
Casterbridge
Deirdre says
Don’t take this too seriously. As any economist will tell you, it’s buying and selling that makes the world go round. And by the standards of your party, it was really quite trivial. Compared with Boris Johnson you’re a model of probity – and he’s not resigning.
Ian Birchall
Mary Killen
Q. For years I have been
obsessed with catching a white whale that took off my leg. However, I am getting a bit too old for this now and the International Whaling Commission is also investigating me.
Unemployment is high in Nantucket and I can’t just abandon my crew who are only trained for sail. What do you suggest?
Captain Ahab
Nantucket
A.Why not step (or hop) up to the mark and make a complete change? You have all the experience and equipment needed (except perhaps for modernising the Pequod’s accommodation – and I would reduce the amount of whale on the menu) to run environmentally friendly whale-watching excursions, which are very popular. Your crew could give courses, too, on scrimshaw-making: passengers love souvenirs! I enclose the address of a company that makes animatronic whales (they did the shark for Jaws), so your guests could try harpooning, too.
Charles Curran
Dear Deirdre
My husband has kept me locked in the attic for the past decade on the flimsy pretext that I spend all day crawling around on all fours and snarling like a wild animal. I have recently discovered that he is embarking on a bigamous relationship with the new governess and naturally I am extremely hurt by this. I do my best to disrupt proceedings on those few occasions when I manage to escape for a short time, but find my ability to influence matters is severely limited. What am I to do?
Bertha Rochester
Derbyshire
Deirdre says
Your violent insanity in no way excuses your husband’s behaviour. Have a frank, polite chat with him about how his actions make you feel. If the bastard still won’t listen, burn the house down.
Rob Stuart
Dear Marje
A friend and I have now been out several evenings in a row expecting to meet a mutual acquaintance, who has failed to turn up each time. We have waited for hours and feel we must be wasting our time. We have no way of establishing for certain whether he will eventually turn up at all. What should we do?
Estragon
Marje says . . .
I know it must be frustrating for you both to be hanging around not knowing whether this acquaintance will ever appear. But what if he did and you had gone away? I can only think it must be to your advantage to see him and I think you must be patient and give him time. If he came and you had gone, the consequences might be very bad for you and your friend.
John Boaler
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