[Martin Rocek]

The second of our three 2015 Translation Bake-off secondary events is tougher than the first. You may post as many different attempts at translating this song to this thread as you please, and you may continue to edit them until the thread is locked at noon (Pacific Daylight Time) on Tuesday, October 13.

Your translation should be singable to the same tune. Providing an audio link of yourself or someone else singing your translation, to show how you envision this, would be helpful (and entertaining). Entries with audio links will be rewarded with an extra point in the voting, equivalent to one vote.

Full contest details here:
http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=25208

SONG TITLE, COMPOSER, LYRICIST, PERFORMANCE VIDEO:

The title of the song is "Děkuji" ("Thank you"). It is a kind of prayer, and the many repeated phrases give the feeling of bells ringing.

The singer-songwriter is Karel Kryl, an iconic Czech protest songwriter from the late 60's-early 90's. He was also a practicing if not dogmatic Catholic, and this song addresses this aspect of his life, rather than his more frequent theme, political protest against the communist regime of Czechoslovakia, and then, after 1989, against the growing corruption of the new regime. His priest declared that if this song was the only thing that he had done in his life, his life would have been well-lived.

More information about Karel Kryl can be found here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karel_Kryl

Here is Kryl's studio performance:
https://youtu.be/nng3a-sJGcI

Here is a moving live performance (his first after 20 years of exile) with the variations noted below:
https://youtu.be/8AELqeKgdw0
It has a brief spoken introduction--the song starts just after the 45 second mark.

The structure of the song is very tight:
Each verse has four triplets followed by "Thank you, thank you, thank you".
Each triplet has the following syllable count:
3
6=3+3
7
"Thank you" is "Děkuji", which has three syllables (so needs to be translated as "I thank you" or "Thank you lord" or something like that, which is just the beginning of what makes this song so hard to translate!)

The first line of triplet is often but not always repeated as the beginning of the next line.

Within each verse, rhyme scheme is:

-
A
B
-
A
B
-
C
D
-
C
D

The rhymes are very sonorous, often two or three syllables (in the last verse, the second lines of the first two triplets basically rhyme all the way through--Kryl is a rhyme magician). In the last verse, the last triplet is slightly modified--the second line is only 3 syllables. In the live recording, he does not sing the first (3 syllable) line (labeled h above) of the last triplet in verses 1 and 2.

ORIGINAL TEXT, showing the form (the rhyme words/syllables are bold; the scheme is as described above):

Děkuji

Stvořil Bůh,
stvořil Bůh ratolest,. . . . . . . . . . A
bych mohl věnce vázat,. . . . . . . B
děkuji,
děkuji za bolest,. . . . . . . . . . . . A
jež učí mne se tázat,. . . . . . . . . B
děkuji,
děkuji za nezdar:. . . . . . . . . . . .C
jenž naučí mne píli,. . . . . . . . . . D
bych mohl,
bych mohl přinést dar,. . . . . . . . C
byť nezbývalo síly,. . . . . . . . . . .D
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji.

Děkuji,
děkuji za slabost,
jež pokoře mne učí,
pokoře,
pokoře pro radost,
pokoře bez područí,
dekuji [var: za slzy],
za slzy děkuji:
ty naučí mne citu,
k živým, již,
k živým, již žalují
a křičí po soucitu,
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji.

Pro touhu,
pro touhu po kráse
děkuji za ošklivost,
za to že [var: děkuji]
za to že utká se
láska a nevraživost,
pro sladkost,
pro sladkost usnutí
děkuji za únavu,
děkuji
za ohně vzplanutí
i za šumění splavu,
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji,

Děkuji,
děkuji za žízeň,
jež slabost prozradila,
děkuji,
děkuji za trýzeň,
jež zdokonalí díla,
za to že,
za to že miluji,
byť strach mi srdce svíral,
beránku,
děkuji,
marně jsi neumíral,
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji, děkuji, děkuji...

ENGLISH PROSE CRIB:

Děkuji
Thank you

Stvořil Bůh,
God created,
stvořil Bůh ratolest,
God created the [green] sprig
bych mohl věnce vázat,
so that I could tie wreaths.
děkuji,
Thank you,
děkuji za bolest,
thank you for pain
jež učí mne se tázat,
which teaches me to question.
děkuji,
Thank you,
děkuji za nezdar:
thank you for failure
jenž naučí mne píli,
which teaches me diligence,
bych mohl,
so I could,
bych mohl přinést dar,
so I could bring a gift
byť nezbývalo síly,
even when I have no strength left,
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji.
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Děkuji,
Thank you,
děkuji za slabost,
thank you for weakness
jež pokoře mne učí,
which teaches me humility--
pokoře,
humility,
pokoře pro radost,
humility for joy
pokoře bez područí,
humility without bondage.
dekuji [var: za slzy],
Thank you, [alt ver: For tears,]
za slzy děkuji:
for tears, thank you:
ty naučí mne citu,
they teach me feeling
k živým, již,
for the living, who,
k živým, již žalují
for the living, who accuse [bitterly complain]
a křičí po soucitu,
and cry for compassion,
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji.
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Pro touhu,
For longing,
pro touhu po kráse
for longing for beauty
děkuji za ošklivost,
thank you for ugliness,
za to že [var: děkuji]
for the fact [alt ver: thank you],
za to že utká se
for the fact that love and spite
láska a nevraživost,
confront each other.
pro sladkost,
For sweetness,
pro sladkost usnutí
the sweetness of falling asleep,
děkuji za únavu,
thank you for tiredness,
děkuji
thank you
za ohně vzplanutí
for fire igniting
i za šumění splavu,
and for the whispering/bubbling of weirs/sluices, [the rushing water]
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji,
thank you, thank you, thank you.

Děkuji,
Thank you,
děkuji za žízeň,
thank you for thirst,
jež slabost prozradila,
which revealed [my] weakness.
děkuji,
Thank you
děkuji za trýzeň,
thank you for the torment,
jež zdokonalí díla,
that improves deeds.
za to že,
For the fact,
za to že miluji,
for the fact that I love
byť strach mi srdce svíral,
though fear constricts my heart,
beránku,
lamb [of God],
děkuji,
thank you,
marně jsi neumíral,
you did not die in vain,
děkuji, děkuji, děkuji, děkuji, děkuji...
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you...

I found a mistake in my crib:
which revealed [my] weakness.
was incorrectly translated as
which was revealed by weakness.

[Julie Steiner]

Wow, Martin, I now have much more appreciation for your struggles with Kryl’s complex rhymes over the past few years. Not sure I'm getting the meter of those bumpy C-rhymed lines, especially, but here's my attempt:


THANK YOU, LORD

God gave me,
gave me green sprouts from stumps
to weave my crowning laurels.
Thank you, Lord,
thanks for my clouts and bumps,
my questions and my quarrels.
Thank you, Lord,
thanks for my sufferings,
to teach me stubborn toughness,
so I might
might make You offerings
of all my not-enoughness.
Thank you, Lord; thank you, Lord; thank you Lord.

Thank you, Lord.
Thanks for my flaws, to teach
intense humiliation.
Freed from pride,
freed now, I’m caused to reach
for limitless elation.
Thank you, Lord.
Thanks for instructive tears,
so I might know their feeling—
those who cry,
cry for productive years
of justice, peace, and healing.
Thank you, Lord; thank you, Lord; thank you Lord.

Thanks for murk,
the murk, so earning light’s
our yearning and ambition.
Thank you, Lord,
thanks our concern is spite’s
most constant opposition.
For fatigue,
fatigue so sleep acquires
the sweetness that it warrants,
thank you, Lord.
Thanks for the sweep of fires
and cleansing rush of torrents.
Thank you, Lord; thank you, Lord; thank you Lord.

Thank you, Lord,
thanks for the thirst that shows
in restless hours’ dissension.
Thank you, Lord,
thanks for the worst that shows
the best of our intention.
For the fact,
the fact my attitude
is love, though fear constrains me.
Lamb, here’s my
gratitude:
your worthwhile death unchains me.
Thank you, Lord; thank you, Lord; thank you Lord; thank you, Lord; thank you Lord.

[Martin Rocek]

Julie,
this is amazing! You have preserved the rhymes unbelievably! It sings beautifully! Bravo!

I can't come close to managing that--tend to keep just a hint of rhymes--often just a slant on the last syllable.

On the other hand, you have take a lot of freedom in translating the meaning--particularly since I am not a person of faith, I feel that I have to stay close to Kryl's imagery and literal meaning.

Clearly, both approaches have their advantages. Here is my approach to the first verse:
Thank you

God creates,
God creates sprigs each spring,
for wreathes that I might fashion.
Thank you for
thank you for pain life brings,
which teaches me to question.
Thank you for
thank you for failure which
has taught me perseverance,
that I might
that I might give to each
though stressed beyond endurance,
I thank you, I thank you, I thank you.

In any case, thank you, Julie. I hope someone else has a try!

Martin

[Martin Rocek]

Entries for this event are now CLOSED. The winner is Julie Steiner as she is the only one to submit an entry; nonetheless, it is remarkable, and I look forward to hearing it!