[Glenn Wright]

Version 2
An Appeal for Help

I’ve been around, off and on, for twenty-five centuries
My statue was built of papier-mâché in Tiananmen Square
and stood for less than a week. My sister’s statue is in New York.
She used to welcome the tempest-tost. Now she’s retired.
We are not at all alike. Even tyrants love her.
When they’re not French kissing Bibles or groping flags,
they’re trying to get to third base with her.
They know better than to try that with me.

The WaPo masthead says I’m doomed to die in darkness,
but it’s a lie. I’m dying right now in broad daylight.
You can watch them frogmarch me to my cross
and hang me up at high noon for everyone to see,
just like Jesus. But unlike Jesus, I can’t fix dead.
So save me. Don’t hold your breath hoping for a resurrection.
————————
Edits:
Title: Democracy > A Plea for Help > An Appeal for Help
S1L1: I’m twenty-five centuries old, more fragile than parchment, > I’ve been around, off and on, for twenty-five centuries.


Version 1
Democracy

I’m twenty-five centuries old,
more fragile than a sheet of ancient parchment.
My statue was built of papier-mâché
and stood in Tiananmen Square for less than a week.
My sister has her statue in New York,
colossal, made of green copper.
She used to welcome the tempest-tost. Now she’s retired.

People sometimes confuse us, but we are not at all alike.
Even tyrants love Liberty. When they’re not French kissing Bibles
or groping flags, they’re trying to get to third base with her.
Tyrants don’t dare to try that shit with me.
I think she holds that torch and wears that sunbeam tiara
just to piss me off because I’m doomed to die in darkness.
So says the oracle on the WaPo masthead.

But it’s a lie. They won’t secretly bury me alive.
I’m dying right now, in broad daylight.
On your phone, computer, or television,
you can watch them frogmarch me to my cross
and hang me up at high noon for everyone to see,
like Jesus. But unlike Jesus, I can’t fix dead.
So save me. Don’t hold your breath hoping for a resurrection.

[Julie Steiner]

I got to Line 2 and thought, "Oh, no, this is going to be one of those terribly on-the-nose, preaching-to-the-choir poems that tugs at the patriotic heartstrings in the most predictably heavy-handed way." But you kept surprising me in line after line. Kudos!

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Glenn,

Like Julie, I started reading this with some hesitation—expecting it might lean into the familiar sermonizing that often dogs political poems. But to your credit, you sidestepped that trap and instead delivered a compelling voice with a fresh angle and strong narrative drive. It’s both engaging and thought-provoking.

That said, I did stumble a bit at the “shit” and “piss me off” lines in stanza two. They feel jarringly casual or crass within a poem that otherwise uses more considered, layered language. It’s not so much the profanity itself as that it doesn’t feel earned—especially “Tyrants don’t dare to try that shit with me,” which seems to run counter to historical patterns, where tyrants consistently do attempt to subvert and manipulate democratic systems.

You might get more power from heightening the irony or emotional impact through sharper metaphor or image rather than leaning on easy vulgarity. Just a thought as you revise.

Still, there’s a lot to admire here—especially the personification of Democracy and the tension between spectacle and helplessness in the closing stanzas. Wishing you the best with this as you refine further!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Julie and Alex—

Thanks for sharing your responses.

Julie—Any time I can surprise you, I’m having a good day.

Alex—I wanted to characterize Democracy as a crusty old woman, frail but no-nonsense, sounding the alarm about her imminent demise. I also wanted to contrast the obvious fairness of the democratic process with the seductive lure of “liberty,” which has been co-opted by ultra-Conservatives, who cite “religious liberty” as an excuse to force their religious views on others, or “economic liberty” as a justification to eliminate DEI programs and dodge taxes. They use the Statue of Liberty as an emblem for mindless, uncritical jingoism. Democracy’s profanity shows her disgust at this. If it bothered you, it was serving its purpose. It also suggests a pugnaciousness that makes democracy dangerous to tyrants.

Glenn

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Glenn,

I think the personification works fairly well, though it felt laboured when drawn cross 2 stanzas. Would you consider combining those into one? I've put in bold some elements I think could be removed if you were to consider condensing.

Thanks for sharing. This was enjoyable.

Trev

I’m twenty-five centuries old,
more fragile than a sheet of ancient parchment.
My statue was built of papier-mâché
and stood in Tiananmen Square for less than a week.
My sister has her statue in New York,
colossal, made of green copper.
She used to welcome the tempest-tost. Now she’s retired.
People sometimes confuse us, but we are not at all alike.
Even tyrants love Liberty. When they’re not French kissing Bibles
or groping flags, they’re trying to get to third base with her.
Tyrants don’t dare to try that shit with me.
I think she holds that torch and wears that sunbeam tiara
just to piss me off because I’m doomed to die in darkness.
So says the oracle on the WaPo masthead.

But it’s a lie. They won’t secretly bury me alive.
I’m dying right now, in broad daylight.
On your phone, computer, or television,
you can watch them frogmarch me to my cross
and hang me up at high noon for everyone to see,
like Jesus. But unlike Jesus, I can’t fix [the] dead.
So save me. Don’t hold your breath hoping for a resurrection. [How about simpler phrasing at the end: "Don't hold out for a resurrection"?

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Trev—

I think your advice to condense and tighten the piece was very good. I cut a third of the lines and tried to sharpen the focus.

I reconsidered Alex’s advice to lose the profanity and decided that it probably was more of a reflection of my own anger than Democracy’s, and it cost her a loss of dignity, so I cut it, along with some unnecessary elaboration on the contrast between Democracy and Liberty. Besides, the reader will conclude that tyrants’ patriotic acts are shit without my having to tell them.

I left out the “the” in “I can’t fix [the] dead” because I wanted it to echo with the old saying, “You can’t fix stupid.” It’s a way of calling supporters of anti-democratic dictators stupid without having to name-call. I also kept the last line long because I liked the /h/ alliteration that imitates letting out a frustrated breath.

Thanks very much much for the helpful suggestions.

Glenn

[Max Goodman]

This does, as critters have said, deliver worthwhile surprises. The message is important, too. Whether a poem is the right vehicle for the message is another question.

The title and the first line (formerly two lines) are turnoffs for exactly the reason Julie's first sentence describes. Finding this in a journal or in a pile of submissions, I'm afraid I wouldn't read further.

Would a more removed third-person perspective be worth considering?

I'm not sure the metaphor helps convey the message. If this woman can live twenty-five centuries, why can't she also be resurrected? The poem wants both things to be true, but doesn't show that they are.

FWIW.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Max—

Thanks for your thoughtful and helpful response.

Originally Posted by Max Goodman

Would a more removed third-person perspective be worth considering?
I gave some thought to the point-of-view and decided that because it was, in essence, a plea for help, the first-person POV was the most effective. I am not happy with the title, however. I haven’t thought of any alternatives that I like better, but will keep trying. [Edit: Writing this post, I thought of one.]

I'm not sure the metaphor helps convey the message. If this woman can live twenty-five centuries, why can't she also be resurrected? The poem wants both things to be true, but doesn't show that they are.
Democracies have been the exception rather than the rule in the last 2.5 millennia of human history. I adjusted the first line to highlight this. When they do appear, they have rarely lasted longer than a century or two, and seem always to be ended by an authoritarian dictatorship. The N, Democracy, can be resurrected, but says that she, unlike Jesus, cannot resurrect herself.

Glenn

[Jim Moonan]

.
Quick drive-by notes:

I don't know which I like better: the tightened revision or the more expansive original.

I still think you can come up with a better title.

The opening line of the revision has an unmistakeable echo of The Rolling Stones' Symphony For The Devil.

I miss this line in the original:

more fragile than a sheet of ancient parchment.

There is a bluntness to it that keeps on hitting. It punches hard and glistens with grittiness. Like Julie said, "you kept surprising me in line after line."

I have no specific suggestions regarding word choice, etc. I just like it. It's written with intensity and its got a timbre to it that feels like it came straight from the well of inspiration.

.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Jim—

Thanks for weighing in. I’m glad you were surprised. I didn’t deliberately channel the Stones’ Sympathy for the Devil, but it must have been in the back of my mind.

I agree that there must be a better title out there. I’ll keep working on it.

I always appreciate your encouraging posts.

Glenn