[John Whitworth]

Competition
Lucy Vickery
Wednesday, 10th March 2010
Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition
In Competition No. 2637 you were invited to take an existing word and alter it by a) adding a letter; b) changing a letter; and c) deleting a letter; and to supply definitions for all three new words.
This challenge is a shameless rip-off of the legendary change-a-letter competition over at the Washington Post’s ‘Style Invitational’, where ingenious new permutations of this crowd-pleaser appear at regular intervals and attract a mammoth postbag. Judging by the bombardment of entries from some quarters, it proved equally popular with Spectator competitors, one of whom described it as ‘unnervingly addictive’.
As often happens, there were many more worthy winners than there is space for. I especially liked Robert Schechter’s ‘Bratitude’: ‘the proud demeanour of a misbehaving child’, Aaron Asbury’s ‘flabulous’: ‘the state of being fashionably overweight’, and Mae Scanlan’s ‘omituary’, ‘a write-up of a person’s life, with all the unsavoury parts left out’. The winners get £20 each.

Hairdresser
a) chairdresser: n. an employee who does no effective work, but whose presence improves the appearance of the workplace. He or she may be deliberately employed for this purpose; in either case the term may be, but is not necessarily, an insult. Also adj. as in ‘it is just a chairdresser job’.
b) hairpresser: n. a passionate kiss or embrace given unexpectedly to someone expecting a formal salutation. Also n. one who frequently gives such a salutation.
c) airdresser: n.; a nudist.
Dominica Roberts

Characteristic
a) charmacteristic: a type of sexual magnetism exerted by certain male film stars in which wealth, worldly sophistication and the implicit promise of a good lay outweigh the never fully concealed insincerity. Cary Grant the epitome, George Clooney currently leading the field.
b) chavacteristic: an affected style of performance by which elocuted actors attempt to suggest they are deranged working-class heavies by emulating the accents of e.g., Ray Winstone or Vinnie Jones. Seen at its ripest in Ben Kingsley’s contribution to Sexy Beast. Cf. ‘mockney’.
c) characteristi: coined by Italian film reviewers to describe the problematic characters of Federico Fellini’s later work (whether they were ‘real’, figments, dream-symbols, etc.), now applied in derogation by Anglophile cinéastes to the puerile, computer-generated fantasy beings of the dominant Hollywood ‘family film’.
Basil Ransome-Davies

Parsnip
a) sparsnip: n. Boxing a slight cut suffered in training.
b) paysnip: n. a small reduction in wages, etc.
c) arsnip: n. Archaic a sharp pain in the buttocks.
Kitchen
a) kitschen: n. a kitchen equipped in a tawdrily pretentious manner.
b) aitchen: v. to anglicise French words by voicing the letter ‘h’: as in, Harfleur, haricot, hotel.
c) kithen: n. children of friends or acquaintances: by all means invite your kith and kin but not kithen.
W.J. Webster

Ministry
a) Milnistry: n. process of persuading otherwise sensible adults to read fictions about toy animals.
b) mimistry: n. demonstration or study of scientific apparatus and chemical reactions using simulations only, e.g., hand, eye, and other bodily suggestions, for health and safety reasons.
c) minitry: 1. n. a half-hearted attempt at carrying out instructions, or undertakings in the interest of the state. 2. n. a touchdown in Rugby Subbuteo™.
Bill Greenwell

Confusion
a) conefusion: the consternation of motorists, having endured several miles of slow-moving contra-flow traffic on a motorway, when there are no Men At Work in sight and it is obvious that nothing whatsoever in the way of resurfacing is being done.
b) sonfusion: the practice adopted by couples who have several boys and can’t afford a bigger house, of making them share cramped bedrooms, use bunk beds and pool all their toys, following the birth of a longed-for baby girl who will need a room of her own, painted pink.
c) confuion: (pronounced con-fwee-on) a recently added corruption, from the French fuir — to shun, and confire — to preserve, meaning: ‘the avoidance of or the refusal to eat any foodstuff that has been pickled i.e., onions, eggs, gherkins.
Jayne Osborn

Exist
a) rexist: a radical monarchist.
b) exism: Prejudice or discrimination against divorced persons.
c) xist: One who maps the location of pirate treasure.
Chris O’Carroll

Economist
a) echonomist: recycler of second-hand opinions on the economy.
b) iconomist: an enthusiast of the misuse of the term ‘icon’.
c) economit: an inexpensive glove.
Patrick Smith

Spinach
a) spinache: an overwhelming desire for spinach.
b) spinich: a rash caused by an allergic reaction to spinach.
c) spinch: a minuscule amount of spinach. e.g., ‘Can I get dessert if I eat a spinch?’
Marion Shore

[basil ransome-davies]

Well done there, Jayne.

bazza

[Roger Slater]

Basil, Bill, Chris, Jayne, Marion, and me with my pocket picked. Not a bad showing for us locals.

[Marion Shore]

Hey Jayne. We did it!!

Congrats also Bill, Bazza, Chris and Empty Pockets Bob.

"Judging by the bombardment of entries from some quarters, it proved equally popular with Spectator competitors, one of whom described it as ‘unnervingly addictive’."
(that was me )

[Jayne Osborn]

Marion,

We did indeed! Congrats, too, to Bazza, Bill, Chris and Bob.

(Can't tell you, folks, how chuffed I am, after the most appallingly shitty week!)

Waheyyyyyyyy!!! I shall spend my twenty quid in The Saffron on a very hot curry.

[Roger Slater]

Well, I'm awfully glad you're "chuffed," but perhaps you don't realize that Americans who don't bother looking the word up think you're saying something dirty.

[John Whitworth]

Good Heavens, Roger, is there no bottom to the moral turpitude of Americans? The full expression is 'chuffed to bits'. I imagine that sounds worse. And now we have introduced you to wanking and bonking, where will it ever end? And I suppose a pouffe is something you sit on.

[Jayne Osborn]

Oo-er Roger,

'Chuffed' isn't even in my usual vocabulary, and I had no idea it sounds rude - sorry!
Thanks for yours, John; another chance to use 'naughty' words - you naughty boy.

Actually, without boring you with details about my 'shitty week', I was just SO thrilled that something nice had happened and it was the first thing that came into my head. What you have to bear in mind, friends across the pond, is that it was after midnight here - and I'd turned into a pumpkin!

[Roger Slater]

No, Jayne, it didn't sound rude at all. As far as I'm concerned, consenting adults should be entitled to chuff each other as much as they want. God bless them!

But seriously (sort of), "chuffed" is a great word. I love the way it sounds and I do know what it means, but only because others here have declared themselves chuffed in the past, and so I've looked it up. But, fyi, 99.9% of Americans don't know that word.

[basil ransome-davies]

In the north-west of England, if you are well pleased you are 'made up'.