[John Whitworth]

In the Insomnia Competition Bill Greenwell nearly made it, Marion Shore won (again, Marion!) and Chris O'Carroll got the fiver, well-deserved in my view. Congratulations all round. Full results under Competition. Any secret snivelling from me because I have not won lately ought to be sternly suppressed because this competition MUST have my name on it. And a lot of your names too. Gilbert did actually do burlesques of Shakespeare (whom he didn't rate much at all).

No. 2641: Will power
You are invited to submit an adaptation by W.S. Gilbert of a scene or a soliloquy from Shakespeare (16 lines maximum). Please email entries, where possible, to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 31 March.

[John Whitworth]

Well here's the ice-breaker. I think it goes with a swing, particularly with the addition of the chorus. Macbeth is in tartan of course.

Will Power

(Enter Macbeth and Chorus)

I have lost all my swagger; I sway and I stagger
Whenever a dagger appears on the scene.
Is it solid and clutchable? No – an untouchable
Dream of a dagger! So what does it mean?
He is hardly a bragger so what does it mean?

This illusion (no drunk ‘un) means curtains for Duncan.
He’s properly sunk and it’s time for Macbeth.
He will sleep with the fishes in line with my wishes.
A couple of swishes should do him to death.
He is bold and ambitious; it points to a death!

It’s a vision I swear, it’s not palpably there,
It’s a dagger of air, it’s a species of ghost.
And a bell out there pealing, increases the feeling
That murder is stealing and Duncan is toast.
He is clearly revealing poor Duncan is toast!

[Martin Elster]

That's brilliant, John. For a Shakespeare actor who has memorized countless lines and is an authority on Gilbert, this one is right up your alley.

[John Whitworth]

Thank you, Martin. Though 'Shakespearian actor' is going a bit. I was Iago at school and at university I inserted a poker up the bottom of the son of Constance Cummings. But perhaps you were referring to yourself, in which case, thank you doubly.

[basil ransome-davies]

Nice one, John, though 'sleep with the fishes' doesn't sound quite right for Duncan, who is not being consigned to the deep.

I had a notion for starting the 'To be or not to be' soliloquy with 'Should I shit or go blind? I can't make up my mind', but that – sadly but inevitably – has been deep-sixed.

bazza

[John Whitworth]

Oh Bazza, what a brilliant couplet! As for the fishes, you are right. Duncan is nowhere consigned to the moat, though Gilbert would be quite capable of making that change. He wrote a burlesque called 'Rosencrantz and Guildenstern', did you know that?

[Marion Shore]

I had the same problem with the fishes. But, otherwise, good one! I can just see them kickin it up in their kilts!

[basil ransome-davies]

No, I don't know that one, John, though I do know Max Beerbohm's hilarious Shakes parody, 'Savonarola Brown'.

[John Whitworth]

Bazza, I haven't seen that Beerbohm. Must look it out. The OLD Faber book of parodies has some burlesque stuff by Maurice Baring which I find very funny. Meanwhile I have been swimming and thus come up with... well it would be THAT speech, wouldn't it?

Will Power

(Enter Hamlet)

It goes round in my head: am I better off dead, is the game for a Dane worth the candle?
Suppose I should chuck it and just kick the bucket, would that be the act of a vandal?
Is it better to go with the devils you know, though they give you one hell of a buffet,
And continue to try with a ‘never say die’, or to tell them succinctly to stuff it?
For, as everyone knows, Death is merely a doze and the dozer is calm as a Saint, so
The sleep is quite seamless and painless and dreamless, except that it possibly ain’t so.
Yes, the storm and the strife of an average life may be something you don’t really much like,
With the going and getting and grunting and sweating and bearing of fardels and suchlike,
But whatever comes after the tears and the laughter (though laughter was never my pigeon)
You just didn’t oughter submit to self-slaughter forbidden by Christian religion.
No, for God’s sake don’t do it, you’re certain to rue it. How could it be prudent or clever
To burn on a bonfire, incessantly on fire for ever and ever and ever?

[basil ransome-davies]

I predict a prize for that one, John.