[Donna English]

Some great poems here. I've been dealing with some stuff that has kept me from writing or posting for a while, hope you don't mind me jumping right in.

The Uses of Biscuits


I use them to ruin the diets
of skinny young bitches at work,
and bribe my fat boss, who adores me.
His naiveté is a perk!
When flying I toss them to kiddies
to stop the brats’ whining and fits.
The round ones make excellent pasties,
( the kind that you put on your tits)
although my man is diabetic
and calls me a tease, it’s okay
because he is also bulimic,
he has biscuits and sex twice a day.

[Jerome Betts]

Ah biscuits, young and at our ease
We scoff you as and when we please;
You're harmless fancies to indulge
Without a thought for spot or bulge.

But, older now, not quite so thin,
We drop you in the refuse bin
And swear back on the road we’ll start
To slender form and healthy heart.

And that’s your use, to cover both
Excess of food and simple sloth;
These cause opprobrium and shame -
So, biscuits, you must take the blame.

[Roger Slater]

THE USE OF BICUITS

The others who entered this contest
say much that's in need of debunking.
Despite what they write in their ditties,
the sole use of biscuits is dunking.

[Jayne Osborn]

I have no use at all for certain biscuits:
I dodge those horrid ones with ‘plastic’ jam.
I won’t become obese
from eating so-called Nice
(which, actually, are nasty) but I am
quite partial to the ones depicting cattle
- they’re made with milk and taste distinctly malty.
There is no use for Tuc;
they absolutely suck:
No structural integrity. Too salty.
But... oh, the ones that send me into raptures:
delightful discs; robust when dunked; divine;
there are no ifs or buts -
when ‘using’ Gingernuts
I’m on a high, transported to cloud nine!

(In my opinion Nice biscuits are not nice, and Jammie Dodgers are the work of the Devil! For those who don't have the same 'bickies' as we have in the UK, the others that I like are called Malted Milk, which have a cow embossed on them. But as for Gingernuts, dunked in a mug of tea - bordering on orgasmic...mmmmmmm!!!!!!)
Oops, sorry, got a bit carried away there...