[Lance Levens]

N is analagous to Sputnik, only he is travelling through inner zones of faith and unbelief. The frisson N feels at the mention of the word "Sputnik" hints that N has felt or continues to feel that his personal journey has tainted or marked him as another godless intruder (like the father's perception of the Sputnik)in the world of faith. This is an example of an "objective correlative." The object (Sputnik) correlates with N's tainted sense of a faith journey, tainted because the father called the Sputnik "godless."

One of the more effective uses of a symbol in a mere 14 lines that I can recall.

[Catherine Chandler]

Ah, yes! I remember it well! All the neighbors and the Chandler clan were out, straining their eyes to the heavens. That word also struck terror into my heart a the time, as did words like "fallout shelter".

I think this is a very well-written sonnet which evokes, upon first reading it, the feelings I believe the author wishes to communicate to the reader.

Others have mentioned the phrase "we two stand" as jarring, and I admit it gave me pause as well. Why not, "there we stand".

I think the word "see" in L4 would be improved by the word "search".

I`m not concerned about all the instances of the word "move" in the poem . . . remember "A Cristo crucificado"?

Nor am I bothered about the bread baking reference. It is obviously exactly what the father said to N, and not used for an end-rhyme.

The ending is very good, but I believe, once again, that a more vivid immediacy could be achieved by putting the phrase "that traced" into the progressive, "tracing".

Very much enjoyed.

[Ed Shacklee]

Probably because I don't pronounce 'Russians' properly, I'd have preferred a slight modification of one line, 'The Russians, father says, have leapt ahead:' -- and maybe another tweak or two here and there. But I like the start and the end of this, the story told afresh from a child's perspective, and the zones of faith and unbelief. All in all, well done.

Ed

[Duncan Gillies MacLaurin]

I’ve been quite impressed with the sonnets so far, but this one seems very weak by comparison. It's what I would call a McPoem in sonnet form. It claims awesomeness without earning it. It’s like: “Wow, you’re standing beneath the stars and you’re only five years old! And you saw Sputnik soon after its launch. Well wow!” The poem never rises above this level. It deals in cheap nostalgia and nothing more. We’re being told to feel the power of the word “Sputnik” just because the narrator was young when he/she saw it and because it means a lot to the narrator. I wouldn't dream of suggesting that it doesn't mean a lot to the narrator, but poetry has to be more than this, surely? In short, this poem does nothing more than milk a world event. A McPoem.

The supposed drama of a celestial object that moves is underlined by a repetition: “That moves”. Well, if something isn’t working once, why repeat it? There’s a really yukky, childish, “Wow” thing that is being milked here, and I’m running for serious cover.

If N could somehow relate this event to something personal in his/her own life, then I might be drawn to the poem, but there's absolutely zilch beyond the cliché of father/child memory.

Duncan

PS I see Lance claims a deeper philosophical symbolism for L6-10. Well, if we're really looking, then yes, maybe. But it's like you have to be told this is a good poem first in order to go looking. On a first couple of readings this jumped well off my radar.

[Chris O'Carroll]

I took "building missiles instead of baking bread" to be a righteous American's denunciation of the Commies who couldn't even feed their own people decently, but poured money into military technology. (Wasn't that how we thought of space exploration back then, as essentially a military venture?)

[Jan D. Hodge]

> I took "building missiles instead of baking bread" to be a righteous
> American's denunciation of the Commies who couldn't even feed their
> own people decently, but poured money into military technology.

Of course. The political cliche of the time was "guns or butter," and LBJ's claim that we could have both. I remember my father's bitter response to our exporting wheat to the USSR then while raising the price of bread at home. Compare North Korea today, or certain budget proposals to increase military spending (for programs the Pentagon doesn't even want) while cutting food stamps?

[David Anthony]

Originally Posted by Chris O'Carroll

I took "building missiles instead of baking bread" to be a righteous American's denunciation of the Commies who couldn't even feed their own people decently, but poured money into military technology. (Wasn't that how we thought of space exploration back then, as essentially a military venture?)

Yes, exactly.

I'd be tempted to change:
My father says the Russians have leapt ahead
to:
My father says the Russkies leapt ahead
for the sake of the terminology of the time and the metre.

Enjoyed

David

[Janice D. Soderling]

Oh I like this so much but I think the metrics could be improved here:

My father says the Russians have leapt ahead.
By building missiles instead of baking bread,

I like David's idea of using Russkies.

This next is a superb line
the godless souls have marred the face of heaven.
coupled with
a vision of the new star, far and high,

I'd like to see Sputnik in italics rather than quotes.

I find this line so appealing
that moves. That moves. It's 1957.
because I want to pause there and take in the wonder of what is happening. This keeps the poem from the danger of monotony.

[Jean L. Kreiling]

I like this one a lot.

I do think it earns its claim of awe (yes, the “heart-deep shiver,” which is partly fear), as it combines the spectacle in the sky (as perceived by the youngster, so stunned that he tells us twice that the star moves), the father-son relationship, and the question of faith.

I have a few nits, but I’ll mention only one that I don’t think has been mentioned already: the very first line made me stumble a little, grammatically.

This needs a few tweaks, but for me, it’s mostly clear, well-crafted, and spellbinding.

Best,
Jean

[Susan McLean]

I think this one has interesting resonances. I don't really see the point of the L12 tetrameter, but the anapestic substitutions bothered me less than they have bothered some. I like the way "fellow traveler" picks up the allusion to Communism, as the "cold" alludes to the cold war, as well as the literal cold. I enjoyed the repetition of "That moves," which really captures the astonishment of the child. And I like that the child is both impressed by the father's statements and (as an adult) predicting a later drift away from the father's opinions. In short, I see a lot more than just a slice of life here.

Susan