[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4232
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for confidential testimonials from staff or servants working for a well-known personage, dead or alive, to someone thinking of taking up employment with that personage.

This week’s winners
A harder comp than you thought, no? Which means that those who made it into the winners’ box can give themselves an extra pat on the back. Hon menshes to Adrian Fry for David Cameron’s testimonial (“As with Thatcher, you’d best remember that though he always says ‘we’, he never means us”); Ian Birchall for James Bond’s (“There’s no Mrs Bond but, after each trip, he’ll generally come home with a young woman with a ridiculous name”); John O’Byrne for Gordon Brown’s (“He and ‘Tone’ liked nothing better than watching a movie together – they must have seen ‘Braveheart’ 100 times”); and Alison Prince for Mr and Mrs Darwin (“I once gave one of his horrible little sundew plants a dead bluebottle as a treat and he said I could have upset its nervous system”). The winners get £25 each with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to the self-styled “comp virgin” Geoff Payne . . .

A taste of sunny D
Service with “Mr D” (as he likes his staff to call him) is uplifting, nay, life-changing. I give you my word on that and, as everybody knows, my word can be trusted. True, some of your tasks will be somewhat menial: making his tea, cleaning his shoes, putting toothpaste on his brush, lying down in puddles so he can walk over you, and so on. But then, he is related to Her Majesty, married into an aristocratic family and a millionaire. And consider the reward structure and future prospects: your own chauffeur-driven car, television appearances, everybody talking about you and, on completing your contract, a peerage and fantastic payments from consultancy firms. All this from nice Mr D, the only downside being undermining the National Health Service, proportional voting and the economy, and having your party annihilated in the next general election.
Geoff Payne

Holy moily
Mr Christ is a pleasure to work for, although he has a habit of giving lectures (the gardener has been repeatedly warned about planting seed on poor soil). He is quite self-sufficient and can rustle up substantial meals, for instance, from very few ingredients. He also has a secret wine cellar. He likes camping and, when he goes walkabout (quite frequent), ensure that he alerts you to his likely movements and polish his apostle spoons while awaiting his return. He also likes children, so I always have some local lads and lasses ready when he puts in an appearance. He dislikes swearing (some family aversion, I think). And get used to his positive attitude to the neighbours. His DIY skills are poor. Although a carpenter’s son, he couldn’t put two bits of wood together if it killed him.
Bill Greenwell

Paying the price
Looking back, I’d say that sending in my CV to apply to work for the Big Begorra was the best 50 quid I’ve ever spent. The selection process was worth every penny. After clicking at the initial interview, those little extras afterwards (for the references, the second interview, the CRB check and the medical) were a small price to pay. I’m glad I went for the desk, chair, electricity allowance and annual leave option. As an employer, “Mike” was an innovative genius. His team-building away days were always in unusual locations and the shuttle-bus journeys provided hours of fun. Salary? Yes, I would have welcomed one and I bought more than one scratch card at the priority queue for the water cooler, because apparently a couple of years ago someone in sales won a whole month’s salary. I’m still hopeful.
David Silverman

Say it ain’t so, Uncle Joe
I hear that you are thinking of applying for a job with Mr Dzhugashvili. Think very carefully before you do so. Mr Dzhugashvili is a demanding employer. What he says goes and that means people, too – sometimes, we don’t know to where. Although he appears avuncular, smiling and smokes a pipe, he is single-minded, purposeful and determined, even ruthless. He is a man of steel, inflexible and obdurate. A Georgian with a Georgian sense of humour, he laughs only at his own jokes. If you get a post, you will be fully supported, as long as you do what is required of you, whatever that may be. Finally, always have ready an overnight bag packed with warm clothing, food and toiletries. You could be sent on a long journey at very short notice.
Sid Field