[Don Jones]

Lance,

You don't have to keep the heraldry association. I believe it is there, the escutcheon on his back for his woes that are a result of all our sins, which is a steep contrast to the red of the conquering monarchs' coat of arms who rule the world. Etc.. In any case, "abysses" to refer to heraldry is arcane in both languages- or at least in our age. You would have to make it explicit to fit the metaphor at the expense of the French you have. Forget about veering away from the French and go for the French.

That said, your S2 is outstanding. S1 doesn't do it for me with "blazonry." Also, I don't get enough of the difference or demarcation that de la Ceppede immediately sets up in S1. That is why there can be association with heraldry later on. The coat of arms is the first item on the menu.

"The victorious prince is not like those whose coat of arms reflect their conquering greatness. No, he is not like them and his coat of arms will be such and such purple, mocked and scorned, and with red abysses of wounds across his back, signalling his pedigree as the highest, beyond all kings. Truly beyond purple."

Just a thought or two, Lance. It's coming along. Just punch the bag furiously, then forget about it and then come back to it.

Don

[Lance Levens]

Don

You're on target. I just read an essay about La Ceppede's irony.
It's on display here in S1 where the soldiers have no idea who the real king is.

[Adam Elgar]

Lance, you're fighting the good fight with supreme commitment. This poem is like the garment Susan describes - a virtual straitjacket to the translator. None of us translators can bear the frustration, I believe. That's why I do so little of it!

[Edward Zuk]

Hi Lance,

The views of this poem are foreign to me, but I still find your latest version compelling. It’s getting close to being very good indeed.

I don’t think the first stanza is quite there yet, though it’s improving with each rendition. Right now I think the “blazonry-mockery” rhyme that’s holding you back (the French emphasizes “glorieux” through its rhyme). Perhaps something around “victorious / glorious” might work. I also think that “buffoon” isn’t the right word in line 3. You have brought out the essential contrast well, though.

In the final line, I don’t understand the idea of how a bloody mantle can become Christ’s skin. Maybe something straightforward like your crib—“Within the bloody mantle of your skin.”—might work.

[Chris Childers]

Hi Lance,

I certainly agree with the others that this is moving in the right direction, but still isn't quite there yet. I don't care for ll.3-4; "buffoon" is a stretch & the repetition of "mockery" in l.4 has no parallel in the French. While I don't mind "blazonry" per se it may be, as someone else has said, that you need a new rhyme. Anyway further work is called for in S1.

In S3, "at our origin" is a stretch, both metrically (6 beats) and in the interpolated meaning; "the Father has attached to this Lamb's side" was a better line, though "side" posed a rhyme problem--maybe give yourself three rhymes for the sestet?

I agree with the others that you ought not to mention "heraldry" in S4, and that your last line is still rather convoluted--I second Edward's suggestion. Excelsior!

Chris

PS.: Since Susan has come clean, I will admit to having done my own version as well.

[Lance Levens]

Version #4 up--which may be the last for the time being. I went with Susan's "Hell" finally, in paraphrase. Par le Pere attache: I'm going with Born by this Lamb the Father hither led. The attaching, I assume, takes place while The Lamb is being led.

Thanks again to all. BTW: What would it take to coax out some of these other versions?

[Clive Watkins]

Once again, you show yourself a persistent and successful reviser, Lance! Bravo!

Two observations in passing about the sestet...

I have wondered if “attachés” is a pun. “Attacher” is commonly used in the context of the Crucifixion: in Old French, “tache” signified a large nail. (“Attacher” might well be the verb one would use in translating such English expressions as “the clay stuck to my boots” or “the sausages stuck to the pan”.) But another sense is hinted at, too, for “tache” means “mark” or “stain”: for instance, “la tache originelle” is a periphrasis for “le péché originel”. The important senses, then, concern fixing and staining. For all these reasons, I am not convinced that “Your bloody hue shows our iniquity / born by this Lamb the Father hither led” gets things right. (Anyway, shouldn’t “born” be “borne”?) Unfortunately, I have no solution to hand.

Secondly, as to “twigs that stoke the fires of eternity”, I hesitated over “stokes”. To stoke a fire can indeed signify supplying it with fuel; but it also, and perhaps more commonly, signifies poking at it so as to encourage it to burn more strongly. Twigs would not be much use for this purpose. I suggest you might consider “twigs that feed the fires of eternity”. (An aside: I would prefer “sticks” to “twigs” as better suited to the imagery of bonfires.)

I hope this is useful. (Perhaps someone has made these points already.)

Best wishes!

Clive