Hi Lance,
I certainly agree with the others that this is moving in the right direction, but still isn't quite there yet. I don't care for ll.3-4; "buffoon" is a stretch & the repetition of "mockery" in l.4 has no parallel in the French. While I don't mind "blazonry" per se it may be, as someone else has said, that you need a new rhyme. Anyway further work is called for in S1.
In S3, "at our origin" is a stretch, both metrically (6 beats) and in the interpolated meaning; "the Father has attached to this Lamb's side" was a better line, though "side" posed a rhyme problem--maybe give yourself three rhymes for the sestet?
I agree with the others that you ought not to mention "heraldry" in S4, and that your last line is still rather convoluted--I second Edward's suggestion. Excelsior!
Chris
PS.: Since Susan has come clean, I will admit to having done my own version as well.
|
Threaded Mode
