[Susan McLean]

Frank, your L5 is a beat short. I'd suggest the following punctuation to give a strong pause at the end of L14:

And swore they drew the gulllible like flies—
Not women, though (he found, to his dismay),
Just hordes of insecure and pasty guys.

Otherwise it is a strong contender. I like the twist at the end.

Susan

[Douglas G. Brown]

Frank,
I agree with Susan about L5 being short. Perhaps you might replace "strike" with "seduce her".
Yes, this is a strong contender.