[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4264
Set by J Seery
After Oprah Winfrey interviewed Lance Armstrong, we asked you to imagine her getting her teeth into a less-than-perfect historical figure, asking him to justify his “mistakes”.

This week’s winners
Excellent. We were a little surprised by Adrian Fry’s choice of interviewee but decided there was indeed a case to be made for close questioning. The rest of you all picked obvious bad guys (Vlad, Adolf, Henry VIII), except Una McMorran who chose . . . Robin Hood (for compromising the good name of Maid Marian). Hmm. The four winners get £25, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to Keith Mason.

Oprah meets . . . the king
Oprah: King Richard, did you ever kill any members of your family?
Richard III: Yes.
Oprah: Did that include the little princes in the tower?
Richard III: Yes.
Oprah: In the past, you brazenly and defiantly denied everything. Why admit it now?
Richard III: I’m king now, so they can’t prosecute me! Just kidding.
Oprah: How could you bring yourself to murder members of your own family?
Richard III: I don’t know that I have a great answer. But it’s hard being a medieval royal; they’re all at it. My brother had old King Henry bumped off. And I’ve got to watch my back, too.
Oprah: So you’re saying it’s because the royal family are all murderous bastards?
Richard III: Not just that – they also made fun of my disability. That’s led me to set up my charity to help the spinally challenged and, as a result, I’m much loved by the people.
Oprah: Not by your Tudor cousins.
Richard III: There you go.
Keith Mason

. . . the King of Kings
Oprah: Your fans have been shocked to read about your mistakes. You constructed universal laws and yet, when you needed to enhance your performance as a deity, you broke them. You parted the Red Sea; you resurrected your Son – people have issues with that. Most parents can only imagine the bad place you were in when Jesus was crucified but you availed yourself of a miracle you deny them in similar circumstances. Can you give your followers closure on this?
God: Oprah, I was weak. Is that a crime? Not in my book, where it’s a sin and thus to be forgiven. I could beat myself up about this for the rest of eternity but I’ve forgiven myself. I take full responsibility for everything. Can’t you and your viewers cut me some slack?
Oprah: And to Lucifer, whom you have demonised these several aeons for whistleblowing?
God: Oprah, apologies cost nothing. I apologise.
Adrian Fry

. . . the emperor
Oprah: Emperor Nero, did you kill your mother?
Nero: Only up to a point. That collapsible boat was just a silly Saturnalia prank.
Oprah: Strange. They once said your relationship with her was, well, inappropriate . . .
Nero: Just that gossip-monger Suetonius’s dirt again!
Oprah: Let’s turn to the bigger issue of you burning Rome.
Nero: Listen, my praetorians were demolishing some old temples and it simply got out of control. Rome in July can be hot and windy, you know? And I did build them a better city.
Oprah: And yourself a golden house!
Nero: A nickname, that’s all. It hardly compares with your Trump Tower!
Oprah: I think our audience is most worried about your religious policy. Millions of us are devout Christians.
Nero: Terrorists, plain and simple. You’re with us or against us. Your former emperor Bush said that.
Oprah: Well, to finish, what about one of your little songs?
Barry Baldwin

. . . the great Khan
Oprah: Mr Khan, the media reports that you are responsible for the brutal deaths of more than 400 million people. How do you respond to that?
Genghis Khan: I repudiate that figure as an exaggeration. Our own detailed count puts the figure at less than 370 million.
Oprah: That still leaves you as the biggest mass murderer in history.
Genghis Khan: But look at my improvements to the environment. Population reduction has drastically reduced CO2 emissions in these regions and soil fertility has greatly improved. Also, I get criticism on the issue of human suffering. We Mongols are family people. We abhor suffering. Uppermost in my mind has been the negative effect of bereavement. We overcame this by eliminating all generations of families and the entire communities in which they lived.
Oprah: Thank you, Mr Khan, we must leave it there.
Richard Nye

[Seree Zohar]

love the khan whan