[Chris O'Carroll]

No 4280
Set by Leonora Casement
We asked for an undiscovered excerpt from an early MS by a current, well-known novelist.

This week’s winners
Well done. How early was “early” was the main thing that divided you – entries ranged from primary-school scribblings to help from publishers just before the moment of fame. The winners get £20 each, with the Tesco vouchers going, in addition, to G M Davis.

Terry Pratchett
Dishworld is a plate-shaped planit curried on the bak of four immence elefants stud on top of a hooge turtle swiming throuh space. Dworfs magishuns witchs liv there, wicked theves and pepole who kil pepole fur money fur other pepole who giv them money to do fur them.
Clever brains in a big magic school who where robes and all keap seacrits til they ofen get kiled by the next one to be top. With a libraryan magiced into a orangu-tang. Lots of funny things hapen ther, like one hero this realy old skiny man and anuther scared magishun who’s spells go wrong and always havs aventures he dosnt want and his chest wich runs on legs.
Graham King

Hilary Mantel
Henry VIII was a bad king and a bad husband to his six wives. Three of his children became rulers of England after he died but only Elizabeth I was a great leader. Mary I was a bad queen and Edward VI a weak king. I think that was their father’s fault. I have heard that Henry VIII was a handsome young man but he looks fat and gross in the portraits I have seen.
He and the pope did not like each other, so even though England still has an established Church, it’s not the Catholic one any more, which is just as well, since Catholicism is unhealthy for children. But changing from Catholic to Church of England did not turn Henry VIII into a good king or a good husband.
He probably had smart advisers. I want to find out more about them.
Chris O’Carroll

Ruth Rendell
Once upon a time, there was a policeman called Reg. He was a very kind man who helped children across the road. He never hit anyone even if they were really, really bad and he never pretended people had stolen things when they hadn’t. He had a wife who was very nice and two children who were a bit difficult.
One day, the teacher’s purse was missing. She thought Jim had taken it. Jim was rude and used bad language; people said he was “working class”.
So teacher sent for Reg. Reg took weeks, because he liked to take his time, but one day he opened Susie’s desk and the purse was there. Susie was posh but a bit strange. Everyone said how clever Reg was but Reg said it showed girls could be as naughty as boys and sometimes worse.
Ian Birchall

Dan Brown
Bobbie Langdon brushed cookie crumbs from his dark-green Abercrombie & Fitch polo shirt and Trask saddle-leather moccasins and took a sip of the milk he had poured fresh from the Frigidaire Kitchen Monarch.
Life was dull. Everything happened monotonously in the same old way, like you’d expect. School, home, hanging out with the kids on the block – though somehow he found that last one hard. Was he too different, too gifted?
Without warning, the Sony Banzai KY69 radio blasted his disbelieving ears with dramatic news. Elvis Presley was dead. Elvis Presley! That set Bobbie wondering. Sure, the King was an old guy – but dead, just like that? And only one day later, the Big Ear radio telescope received a signal from deep space. It was stretching coincidence.
Was there a pattern here, a hidden design? Suddenly, he knew he had to find out.
G M Davis

Ruth Rendell
“So, what have we got?” mused Wackford. [Ed: not sure that “Wackford” is a good name; it sounds too much like Wackford Squeers in “Nicholas Nickleby”. How about Waxford, Wixford, Woxford or Wuxford?] “We know the perpetrator was adwarf – the throat was cut from an angle of 75 degrees below the chin – and that she was wearing bedroom slippers.”
“Hold on a moment, sir,” said Borden. [Ed: not sure that “Borden” is a good name; sounds too much like Lizzie Borden in the popular rhyme. What about Barden, Berden or Birden?] “How do you know it was a woman and wearing slippers?”
Wackford grunted irritably. “Think about it, Mike. There is only one dwarf in Queensmarkham.” [Ed: not sure that “Queensmarkham” is a good name; sounds too much like gay-bashing ]. “That’s Miss Vine and she always wears slippers to keep things quiet.”
Brian Allgar

[Graham King]

Congrats all, and intriguing to see two Ruth Rendell wins.

I'm mildly puzzled at the slight trunc(!)ation of my own entry. Its text continued:
'(I mean a box chest not one his body has. like a trunk. But not like elefants hav.)'
I enjoyed having the 'elefant' reference linking back to the first sentence.

Is it common for entries placed among the winners to have been edited?

[Chris O'Carroll]

Originally Posted by Graham King

Is it common for entries placed among the winners to have been edited?

Yes. Some would say that it's uncommon for a winning entry not to be edited a bit. (At the Spectator, on the other hand, I've never experienced any editorial intervention beyond switches from American to British spelling and punctuation.)

[Brian Allgar]

You got off lightly Graham, as did I - only three words deleted. But the previous week, all the entries were transposed into the present tense, and in my case, from the first person to the third, which made it rather clunky. Vicky clearly takes her editorial duties very seriously.

[Graham King]

Originally Posted by Brian Allgar

You got off lightly Graham, as did I - only three words deleted. But the previous week, all the entries were transposed into the present tense, and in my case, from the first person to the third, which made it rather clunky. ...

Gosh! That's an eye-opener.
(I wasn't complaining, particularly.) Curious, though!

[basil ransome-davies]

Let me add my voice to the chorus of legitimate complaints. MdM's redaction fetish is getting out of hand. What I wrote was 'And only one day after the Big Ear radio telescope received a signal from deep space.' I.e. Elvis's death followed, rather than preceding, the signal.

[Peter Goulding]

Ah, fair play to yous, lads.

Hopefully, when you return your cheques in protest, Vicky will send them on to some of us without literary principles??

[Brian Allgar]

Originally Posted by basil ransome-davies

Let me add my voice to the chorus of legitimate complaints. MdM's redaction fetish is getting out of hand. What I wrote was 'And only one day after the Big Ear radio telescope received a signal from deep space.' I.e. Elvis's death followed, rather than preceding, the signal.

Bazza, I hadn't realized that you are G.M. Davis - congratulations yet again.

Vicky presumably felt that after a mere forty (is it?) years of writing competition entries, you can't yet be expected to have learnt how to express yourself clearly, especially when using tricky words like 'after' or 'later', nor to insert commas where they are required.

[basil ransome-davies]

43. I started late.

[John Whitworth]

In general I allow editors, the interfering fools, to change anything if they are paying. After all, the original still exists. All the same, how crass can they get? Very crass indeed is the answer.

I didn't know you were G.M. Davies either, Bazza. I think there are only six of you in toto winning all the money. Why G.M. Davies, by the way? Gerard Manley Davies?