Dear Deidre,
There’s this girl, see. Not that I like girls or anything, in fact me and my Outlaws can’t stand them ‘cept for dipping their pigtails in ink and putting frogs down their backs and suchlike. Only there’s this one girl and she won’t leave me alone. Says she’ll thcream and thcream until she’s thick if I won’t play with her. And I don’t want to play with her, not really, but I do. Except now I’ve started having sort of Thoughts about her, even when she isn’t there. Specially then, in fact. I don’t feel like doing dares anymore and my game of conkers has gone right off. Help!
William Brown
Dear William,
I advise soaking your conkers in vinegar.
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