[Graham King]

Originally Posted by Adrian Fry

Samuel Beckett
...

Admirably concise, and made me chuckle!

[Adrian Fry]

This turned out not to be any good, so I've removed it. Serves me right for writing under the influence.

[Adrian Fry]

1: Start writing.
2: Keep writing.
3: Yes, I know you want to stop writing, but don't
4: No, it doesn't have to make any sense just to long as you keep writing.
5: Any language will do. Or an invented one. Or any combination thereof.
6: Continue until quite mad.

And that's how Finnegans' Wake got written.

[Gail White]

Somebody ought to be able to do something with Dan Brown. It won't be me, because I can never get beyond his first horrible paragraph.

[Adrian Fry]

Ivy Compton Burnett
1: 'A large country house' is sufficient scene setting to satisfy anyone.
2: Since their behaviour will do more to homogenise them than their features differentiate, describe your characters precisely once and none too well.
3: When it comes to dialogue - and it does, almost entirely - imagine that you are writing Wildeian epigrams from which most of the humour has been subtracted. This is certainly how your readers will experience it.
4: There should be incidents in your novel but they should not be unduly emphasised: infanticide is no more worthy of note than a butler coming in from the pantry.
5: In many scenes, have a number of characters speaking at once in the same manner, so that it is difficult to identify who is saying what to whom. It will give readers precisely the headache they deserve.
6: The only father worth having is a cruel father. God set the example with aplomb; follow it in all your novels.

[Rob Stuart]

I am tempted to do Dan Brown, particularly as Adrian has already broken his proposed moratorium on over-parodied authors by doing Beckett (albeit very well).

Harold Pinter

1) Plays should always be set in drab, mid-twentieth century working-class interiors. The days of Oscar Wilde are long gone, chum.
2) Dialogue should be as free of content as possible, as this extract from my celebrated play ‘The Cupboard Under the Stairs’ demonstrates:
Terry: What do you want?
Frank: Nothing.
Pause.
Terry: Must want something.
Pause.
Frank: Not particularly.
Terry: Oh.
This was praised by the Telegraph as ‘brilliantly contrived’ and by the Times as ‘vivid and earthy’.
3) Use... lots... of... ellipses. This saves you the trouble of having to think up complete and coherent sentences.
4) Try and avoid the story having a clear beginning or end.
5) Or indeed middle.
6) If your play entertains the audience, it’s failed.

[Rob Stuart]

Mary Whitehouse

1) Terms such as ‘b*tt*m’, ‘bl*st’, ‘d*mn’ and ‘anilingus’ should never be allowed to appear in any poem, play or novel on pain of our children growing up to become atheist thugs who listen to ‘pop’ music.
2) Some words, such as ‘dictation’, ‘shyster’ and ‘quinquireme’ sound dirty, but aren’t. Their use should be prohibited nevertheless for fear that young people, in misinterpreting their meanings, may become aroused and commit acts of sexual perversity.
3) And ‘mastication.’
4) Don’t pander to the disgraceful fashion of ‘knocking’ the police.
5) Do not mention wood, objects made of wood, or people/characters called Wood. Our Lord Jesus Christ died on a crucifix made of wood, so any such reference is clearly blasphemous.
6) Do not look to the Bible for guidance. It’s full of filth. Adam and Eve’s nudity, to choose just one instance, is entirely gratuitous and in extremely poor taste.

[Lois Elaine Heckman]

Originally Posted by Adrian Fry

2: Since their behaviour will do more to homogenise them than their features differentiate, describe your characters precisely once and none to well.

Sorry to be picky, Adrian, but add another "o" to that last "to" before you submit.

You are all so GOOD at this and literarily knowing. My envy is great!

[Adrian Fry]

Thank you, Lois; I certainly will.

[Rob Stuart]

Dan Brown

1) Use dynamic verbs. Invent your own if necessary. Why have someone ‘drive’ a car when they can ‘gun it up the street’?
2) Chase sequences are a swell opportunity for characters to reflect appreciatively on local art and architecture as they dodge bullets.
3) Europe is a great place to set stories. It’s real sophisticated and old, and most Americans don’t know it too well so you can pretty much claim what the heck you like about it.
4) Criminals should always be thoughtful enough to leave a trail of elaborately coded clues to their dastardly plots.
5) Don’t waste time reading the works of key historical figures as research. Some of this stuff is real hard because it’s written in European. One word: Wikipiedia!
6) Don’t listen to critics. They don’t know anything. Well, actually they do, but most of the public don’t, and that’s all that matters.