[Martin Rocek]

Brian,
I am confused--isn't the last line of the refrain 8 syllables:
Y a t-il là, ré a li té
Listening to the French, I also have the impression that the first syllable of L2 is hardly audible, so I think a headless version would work.
Anyway, here are two 4/5/4/8 attempts:

Beautiful day
Ended by the night
That is love's way
The smiling face shone bright
Yet now it's dark, how can this be?

or

Beauty of day
Ended by the night
That is love's way
The face smiling so bright
You are gone now, how can it be?

Hopeless?

[Brian Allgar]

Martin, thanks for the attempt!

The phrase "y a" is pronounced as one syllable, so I'm afraid the syllable count must stand at 7.

I certainly hear the the first syllable of "enfouie" in the sung French version, and the note cannot be dropped without distorting the tune. At one point, I had thought of translating it as "enshrouded", which fits very well, but it sounded far too "poetic" for the diction of the piece.

I don't think that either "beautiful day" or "beauty of day" will do for "beautiful as the day" - neither of them sounds as if it refers to a person - and "ended by the night" is rather an odd phrase, not at all the same thing as "buried in the night". (Before abandoning the acrostic, my original version began "Bright as the day/Enshrouded in the night".)

The third line is in some ways the trickiest of all. Even in French, "Tu es amour" is (sorry, Pascal) not a good line.

I don't like "The face" or "The smiling face" for "Your face", and "smiling bright" has already made Mary cringe! Your second version would misplace the stress on smi-ling.

The last line is difficult, too. To try to preserve the acrostic, it would have to begin with a word like "yet" or "you", but then it becomes hard to keep the idea "is this real"? And your two versions of this line are metrically different, so that, apart from the extra syllable, one of them certainly wouldn't fit.

Amazing how a few apparently simple words can be so hard to translate, isn't it? Having been there myself, all I can say is that you have my sympathy, but not my champagne.

[Martin Rocek]

Brian,
of course everything you say is right! And I'm not really after the champagne; it's more the pleasure of solving a puzzle.

I'll keep picking at it.

Martin

[Mary McLean]

Ah Brian, don't take my comments to heart, I was too harsh. But it does seem to me that songs with tight rhyme schemes in English are better suited to comedy than tragedy.

[Martin Rocek]

Here is another failed attempt:

Bright as the day
Entombed in the night
This is love's way
That smile, your face's light,
Yet it's dark, how can it be?

You were of course right, the first syllable of "Enfouie" is clear. Now I'm playing with the idea that last two glide together, so "Entombed" can be stretched to match. Otherwise, I could use a bit of filler: "Entombed now".

Are any of these ideas any use?

[Brian Allgar]

Martin, thanks for keeping the ball in the air!

I had originally considered “entombed”, but rejected it as lacking a syllable. On reflection, though, I think you’re right. The initial syllable is required, but the second and third syllables of “enfouie” can be combined into a single note without affecting the melody.

I’ve made another attempt at lines 3 and 4 – those blasted T’s! Unfortunately, it loses some of the meaning (both “face” and “smile” disappear), and is not entirely yuck-free.

And for the last line, I’m wondering about You are my reality, although it leaves out the questioning note of the original.

Bright as the day,
Entombed in the night,
Tell love to stay,
To show me still your light – *
You are my reality

Not very good, but perhaps no worse than the non-acrostic version. (Like you, I can’t resist a spot of verbal puzzle-solving.)

Mary’s quite right, though; it’s far easier to use tight rhyme-schemes for humorous verse.

* Or: To keep you in my sight ???

[Now get back to the day-job, Allgar!]

[Mary McLean]

Your latest version with ' to keep you in my sight' seems good to me and doesn't register on my cringeometer.

[Catherine Chandler]

[quote=Brian Allgar;359794]

Catherine, thank you for your comments. I am rather surprised by your remarks on the title, which I find misplaced, and – dare I say it? - just a touch offensive. Yes, in certain contexts, “Belle de Nuit” can be a euphemism for “prostitute”, but that is hardly its primary meaning, and it is not one that occurred to the French author, my French wife, or any of our French friends and relations who have heard the song. Perhaps you would have preferred me to translate the title as Mirabilis jalapa?

It may interest you to know that there is a guest-house called “Belle de Nuit” in the village of Oppède-le-Vieux. I very much doubt whether any of the people who stay there are expecting to find themselves in a brothel.

*************************************************

/quote]

Sorry you felt (and of course you may say it) offended by my observation of a very common usage of the term "belle de nuit". Despite your extensive French entourage, and I can speak from experience as well, it is difficult for me to believe that it didn't occur to even one of them that the term might be seen as (as I stated in my comment) "unfortunate" as a title. As a participant in the bakeoff, and as a translator, and as no one else had mentioned it, I hardly feel my comment is "misplaced". Actually, if you reread my entire critique, you will note that there are quite a few other nits as well and the "belle de nuit" comment was only added as an afterthought. Your additional comments above, wry and ironic, are understandable, and indeed provided a chuckle or two.

[Brian Allgar]

Thank you for the reply, Catherine. I think the key phrase in my original reply was "just a touch", so I assure you that I am not brooding over it.

It is possible that everyone in France who heard the song (excluding, of course, the author, the composer, and the singer) did so before even knowing its title. Once they had heard it, the insalubrious meaning of "Belle de Nuit" would have been unlikely to come to their minds.

Next time I speak to Pascal, I shall ask him what he feels about this potential ambiguity. I shall also ask our gardener to label our plants in Latin.

And if there is ever another Bake-off of this kind, I shall try to find a humorous song to translate!

[Martin Rocek]

In defense of Cathy's comment, I note the following wikipedia article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belle_de_Jour_(film)

But of course Brian is right that from context the sense is clear.

Brian, I like your proposed refrain (with the second alternate for L4).