[Matt Q]

Brian,

Many thanks for your feedback. I think you are most likely right about making the ending very clear; with this sort of poem the ending is not to be puzzled over.

Julie has pointed out an issue with the scansion of the refrain. I wonder if you (or anyone else reading this) had any problems with it? Julie points out that "inTENsive" doesn't scan as I want it to in this line, as I need "INtensive" or at the very least "IN-TEN-sive".

I'd kind of persuaded myself the combination of the metre and the double 'in' of 'in intensive' promoted the first syllable of 'intensive' at least somewhat. (I think the stop after the first 'in' and the need to audibly distinguish the two 'in's means I pronounce the 'in' of intensive as longer/stronger). However, I could very easily be fooling myself here.

If it doesn't work, my alternatives seem quite limited. I could go with "HOSpital CARE" or "eMERgency CARE" but neither has quite the same ring to it.

Erik,

re. "Ladies' room": Yes, I changed it to that after I'd asked you about it, and I'm happier with it now. Thanks for coming back. And yes, we get the "little girls'/boys' room" thing too.

best,

Matt

[George Simmers]

You're concerned about 'and he woke up in intensive care.'

I'd say get rid of the 'up'.

'and he woke in intensive care.'

You'd miss the chime of 'take up' and 'woke up' early on, but the rhythm would jog along more trimly.

[Roger Slater]

I'd keep "up." Forcing the beat onto INtensive somehow suits the overall diction, sort of a hillbilly vernacular perhaps. And the line seems flat without the "up" to me.

Funny verse.

[Matt Q]

Thanks George,

That seems to make the last foot an iamb rather than an anapaest.

And he WOKE | in inTENS | ive CARE

or even

He WOKE UP | in in TENS| ive CARE

I don't know if it works with an iamb on the end. That said, I've been saying this line out loud so many times I don't really trust my ear any more.

Maybe I just need to try for a different end rhyme / refrain, and resign myself to a fair bit of rapid rewriting.

Thanks again,

-Matt

[Matt Q]

Roger,

Sorry, missed you post. Thanks for the comment. Yes, I can certainly make it work forced when I read it out loud and I think this sort of poem lends itself to a sing-song delivery, so I don't mind so much that it sounds forced / sing song, since it's that kind of poem. I guess the issue is how clunky it sounds to others, and how much I can rely on the reader to impose the rhythm and force the metre onto the line.

Thanks again,

Matt

[Julie Steiner]

Lawsuit: Off-Duty Cop Working Wal-Mart Security Accuses Man of Stealing Tomato, Beats Him, Breaks His Leg


AN OLD, FAMILIAR TUNE
(with apologies to George and Ira Gershwin)

You say "to-may-to" and I say "to-mah-to".
I see "a shopper" and you, "desperado".
Bra-vay-do, bra-vah-do.
A guard's not a god. Oh,
Let's call the whole thing awful.

You assume suspects won't have a receipt-o
(Or rights), so you hate and you hit. You're the heat-o.
Your badge lets you beat-o
That lowly mosquito.
Let's call the whole thing awful.

But oh, if we call the whole thing awful,
Then we must act.
And oh, if we ever act,
The deck might come unstacked.

Respect's slow to earn; instant fear has its uses.
To-may-to, to-mah-to, and blood are the juices
that flow like excuses
for power abuses.
Better call it just a one-off.
Let's call it just a one-off.

[Jerome Betts]

Now, in this age of bloggers and tweeters,
Carol Ann Duffy is writing on meters.
(N.B., USA, not on scansion or stress
As your Webster-lite spelling might lead you to guess.)

Hmm . . . still can't compete with E.J. Thribb (17 and a half cubic feet) on the same topic in the current Private Eye.