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Old 09-09-2018, 03:48 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Default A young giraffe

When you talk of boyish things,
as you do, it's not your voice
but an older deeper one,
as though somebody else had
come in when we weren't looking.

So much restless energy,
such spring-heeled coltishness;:
sometimes happiness must be
expressed in terms of movement,
and sometimes you start skipping.

Your legs are getting longer,
your feet outpace your shoes;
you sway down the street like a
young giraffe, or someone
adjusting to earth's gravity.
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Old 09-09-2018, 08:52 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Hi David,

I'd say this was addressed to a teenage boy. He's had a growth spurt, his voice has broken.

It's nicely done. I don't have any immediate nits, barring the title being repeated in the poem. It's a good title in that it intrigued me and made me want to read the poem. However, having already read the phrase "like a young giraffe" detracted from its impact -- and my enjoyment of it -- in the penultimate line. I'd say either change the title, or keep it, but don't repeat it in the poem. I'd opt for the former.

best,

Matt
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Old 09-10-2018, 11:00 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
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I agree with Matt and hope "A young giraffe" is the working title and you have another one for the finished poem.

I see no other nits. Sweet poem.
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Old 09-10-2018, 12:27 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thank you, Matt and John. I confess, I do think of "A young giraffe" as my title, but you're making me wonder if I'm wrong.

Thank you for the kind words anyway.

Cheers

David
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Old 09-10-2018, 05:18 PM
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Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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I like this evocative poem very much David, my only nit is the somewhat hackneyed 'spring-heeled' which also detracts from the description of awkwardness.

Keep 'giraffe' in the title it is the perfect bait for readers and is so apposite for the gawk and bonely.

Jan
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Old 09-11-2018, 02:45 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Ah, thank you, Jan. I see what you mean about "spring-heeled".

And yes, I like the way the title works at the moment. At least I hope it works that way.

Cheers

David
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Old 09-11-2018, 02:53 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hey David,

It's not that 'a young giraffe' is a bad title. It's not. It just undercuts the surprise of the simile later in the poem, I suppose. It's clear from the first line that the poem isn't about a giraffe.

You have a semi-colon and colon together. Is that a thing? Like a more sedate interrobang?

It's a sweet poem.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 09-11-2018 at 02:56 PM.
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Old 09-11-2018, 05:20 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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David,
I like this, but I feel that the last stanza can stand on its own wobbly feet. I would cut the first two, which are OK but unremarkable, and give it a title like
"To my son":

To my son

Your legs are getting longer,
your feet outpace your shoes;
you sway down the street like a
young giraffe, or someone
adjusting to earth's gravity.
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Old 09-11-2018, 08:37 PM
James Brancheau James Brancheau is offline
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Hi David~ If "skipping" is pretty central to the poem, I love it. (Unfortunately, I don't think times have changed that much in terms of acceptance, fitting in, especially with kids that age.) If it isn't important, then I still like it and agree that it's a sweet poem.

JB
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Old 09-13-2018, 03:29 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Mark. My hope was that the thought process would be ...

A young giraffe?

Wait, this is not about a giraffe at all. What the ...

Oh I see. I get it. Yes, I like that.


My hope may not have been fulfilled.

Thanks Martin. Cut the first two stanzas, though? Oh no. I don't think so.

And thanks James. I wonder if I understand the importance you may be attaching to "skipping". If I do, no, it's not that important. But never mind. A sweet poem will do.

Cheers all

David
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