Jim, I followed the progression from a suggestion of sex to fighting to catching a fish, so I assume that you are deliberately keeping the reader in suspense about what is really going on. However, several things interfered with my ability to enjoy the progression. In L1, "did toss" sounds archaic. Find a word that will allow you to make this simple past tense without the "did." Your "'was" as a substitute for "t'was" is also archaic and distracting, as is "the while" in L2. The inversion in L11 should also be avoided. You are a foot short in L13, and the "lemon/heaven" rhyme is not a great way to end. I think the subject could work as a vignette, but it needs to be in a contemporary voice.
Susan
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