[Rick Mullin]

John,

The opening of the poem suggests a metaphor for a much longer circuit. I'm not sure you've failed here, but, again, it's clarity you need to concentrate on in revising.

RM

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

I do find a lot to like here. I like the unexpectedness of the legs becoming light as they become weary. And also the unexpectedness of the pain and the creaking leading to smiles and excitement. And I connect the two. Something is happening here for these two people (I imagine two anyway, it could be more, of course). Something transcendent perhaps. Something unusual certainly, and it captures my interest.

It's interesting to read your intentions for the opening. I'd wondered if the fact that it was such a short distance, a 20 minute or so of walking, implied that maybe they maybe very old or infirm.

In the opening, I found this : " a looping return along half of the full circle around the copse" maybe a bit over-detailed / over-functional. I wonder if I need this much detail. I wonder if you need L4-5 at all?

Then I wondered if you needed the first five lines at all, and could start the poem with "Neither one ...", and I quite like the poem that way. There's no context. No suggestion of a short walk or a long one. Just this "happening" of the legs falling weary and light as dust and the pain and the smiles. I think I prefer the mystery of that.

But perhaps you want the move from city to woods to be the cause of their experience?

best,


Matt

[John Riley]

Thank you, Matt. Your suggestion to cut the top was spot on and I posted a revision.

[RCL]

John,

Twice Interesting.

Having read only the revision, my first impression was of a fly-clutching dark-night lights-off drag-racing experience beloved of adolescents in my neck of the Michigan woods, our pedals to the metal, with never a thought of mortality or maiming. Either a surprise.

In a reading that depresses me, it adumbrates a couple going for broke in a relationship in which going for broke is the only impetus for staying together. Pain intentional?

In both instances it's a cycle, a vicious circle.

[Jim Moonan]

.
Hi John, What astounds me about this poem is that it puts into psychic phrasing the complicated act of aging. But I also think the revision plunges it into obscureness. You had already done a good job of telling the scenario slantly but I miss the anchor of the opening four lines of the original that tethered me. They served as a harness to the more dream-like rest of the poem that so surreally defines the body’s failing.

What makes this poem transcendent for me is the lightness of being that is sustained in spite of the heaviness of living, of aging, and the smile in the face of it all. It is a humble transcendence that laughs lightly at our slow demise. Our bodies never stood a chance at outlasting our non-material self… There now: look what I’ve done! I’ve taken a perfectly pleasant poem and turned it into gloomy thoughts. Good thing there’s coffee to keep me company — ha!

Someday in the future, if all goes well, we will have the capability of becoming bionic, limb by limb, organ by organ. Like starfish. But it won’t be the fountain of youth. We will still yearn for something beyond our reach. My two cents.
I’ve had my walks curtailed by hip pain and recent surgeries to replace both hips and a torn rotator cuff. My back aches. Marilyn, too, has had her turn. Now we ache in other places —ha!

The title escapes me or underwhelms me.

.

[Matt Q]

Hi John,

Yes, seeing it with first 5 lines cut I do think it works better. Now I wonder if the title still works with the first 5 lines are gone. Maybe "City Woods" with it's almost oxymoronic feel might work better? There's also something transcendent about woods -- and the idea of finding woods in the city, an oasis of beauty amid the grey concrete -- that maybe seems to fit what's going on. Or maybe it doesn't for you. Still, like Jim, I think another title might be worth thinking about.

-Matt

[John Riley]

Jim, thanks. I think the original opening added nothing but location. There wasn’t enough beneath that informing the poem. Maybe a new opening will happen. I’m pleased you connected to the theme. The title will be changed.

Matt, thanks for coming back. I agree about the title. Perhaps I should have changed it to “Circle.” I’ll have to think about it.

[Roger Slater]

Maybe "wobbly" in place of "weary"?

[John Riley]

Thanks, Roger. I think you’re right.

[David Callin]

Hi John. Matt's suggested excision of the first five lines works really well. There we are, very strikingly, in media res - but what is this thing we're in?

I think - again, like Matt - that something transcendent is going on here. I like the fact that you leave it unclear, but it strikes me as some sort of metamorphosis. Something magical, but whether it's for better or for worse is unclear - to me, at least. But the ending does seem hopeful. Maybe that's just me.

It is an intriguing thing, all told.

Cheers

David