Hi John. Matt's suggested excision of the first five lines works really well. There we are, very strikingly, in media res - but what is this thing we're in?
I think - again, like Matt - that something transcendent is going on here. I like the fact that you leave it unclear, but it strikes me as some sort of metamorphosis. Something magical, but whether it's for better or for worse is unclear - to me, at least. But the ending does seem hopeful. Maybe that's just me.
It is an intriguing thing, all told.
Cheers
David
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