[David Callin]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

Hmm. I was skeptical about “Wake to macrocosm,” but “Wake your macrocosm” just baffles me. How does one do that?

Actually, now that Carl's pointed that out, I can only agree with him.

[John Riley]

Here comes the contrarian but I read "Wake/the macrocosm" as the narrator metaphorically bopping himself on the head and saying "There's a world out there stop being so self-centered. Check it out."

That being said, as I've reread this I do like the ending more than the start. "Sacred fire" and "ticking dawn" aren't as good as "barking husbands" and "sniffing mongrels." The opening ones strike me as being more expected. I can't say for sure I've seen them before but I feel as though I have. (Well, I do think "sacred fire" is an oldie.) Also the planet is "hurtling" through space. Maybe you could read a little bit about astronomy or science history and run across a more precise, fresher way to say that.

My half-penny, worth half of that.

[Matt Q]

"Wake the macrocosm, cringing ape" made sense to me, too.

Spice up your life, people.

[Mark McDonnell]

Thanks folks.

David, Matt and Glenn. I’m pleased the opening seems to be working better. It’s more considered, let’s say. I’ve got rid of “dream”, Matt. I will keep the metre as it is on L3, I think. I like how it seems to emphasise “only”.

Rick, I thought long and hard and decided I couldn’t ignore either of your objections. The poem is veering closer to something of what I think I want it to be. This one really came bursting out, initially, and I wasn’t sure what the hell it was about. Maybe now, I’m closer.

Hi Yves. That’s a reasonable criticism. Though “mysticism for the everyman” sounds fine to me. Why shouldn’t the everyman get a little mysticism? There is a lot of smoke and mirrors in my head when I write. I do like sounds and pizazz, that’s fair. I suppose you have to keep digging for the real magic along the way.

Carl, David, Matt and John: funny that “wake your macrocosm” has divided opinion. Matt and John have the sense that I meant it. I definitely want to keep it because it sounded like a great wake-up call for the narrator to himself, especially paired with “cringing ape”. John, I’ve changed a couple of things you mention there.

I’ve had one more crack at this before I put it in the drawer and let it stew. I won’t go into detail about changes because, well, you’ll see them.

Revision posted.

Thanks again, all.

[Carl Copeland]

Originally Posted by John Riley

I read "Wake/the macrocosm" as the narrator metaphorically bopping himself on the head and saying "There's a world out there stop being so self-centered. Check it out."

Originally Posted by Mark McDonnell

Funny that “wake your macrocosm” has divided opinion. Matt and John have the sense that I meant it. I definitely want to keep it because it sounded like a great wake-up call for the narrator to himself, especially paired with “cringing ape”.

John’s sense is what I got from the earlier “Wake to macrocosm.” “Wake your macrocosm” is a call for the narrator to wake up his whole universe—unless he has his own personal macrocosm to wake up, but then that’s not much of a macrocosm.

[John Riley]

Good question, Carl. But don't we all have our macrocosm as defined by our microcosm? I do. I may not call it macrocosm/microcosm but I'm always trying to wake myself up to "out there." You may call it not being so self-centered. Getting out of my head. I guess the question is seeing that as waking up the macrocosm one is familiar with and knows they should wake it up more often. The duality inside one person isn't difficult for me because I am deeply introverted and usually screw up when I try to come out of it because I'm not good in my macrocosm.

I have no trouble seeing a bigger world and a smaller world inside one person and the internal pressure one feels to wake up the bigger one.

I wonder how anyone else understands it.

[Mark McDonnell]

Thanks for sticking with this Carl and John.

I know this has been hanging around for a while but I wondered if there were any thoughts from anyone about the new revision. I'm happiest with it of the three, I think, so if not that's OK. I'll get to some critting of other poems soon.

Cheers!

Mark

[R. Nemo Hill]

The latest revision is stellar, Mark, really good.

To nit pick I might suggest a drop down line and some exclamation points.

Surfacing from a furnace in my mind
at ticking dawn, I shake the bedding loose
to find only the window's light, the room,
the gravity and lift of sunbeam dust,
still beautiful and baffling. Wake
your macrocosm, cringing ape. Here is
your own eyelid fire, your ceiling shapes,
your own slow breath of chemistry, slow stumble
for this one-time-only curtain pull ta-da.

Surfacing from a furnace in my mind
at ticking dawn, I shake the bedding loose
to find only the window's light, the room,
the gravity and lift of sunbeam dust,
still beautiful and baffling.
.................................................Wake
your macrocosm, cringing ape! Here is
your own eyelid fire, your ceiling shapes,
your own slow breath of chemistry, slow stumble
for this one-time-only curtain pull ta-da!

Really great poem.

Nemo

[Joe Crocker]

Hi Mark

This has a different feel from your first version I think. It begins domestic and ends with a view from the sky. Some strong echoes of Elbow for me. (Which I like.) Your protagonist might be trying to shake off a hangover, trying to gear himself up for another day and all its twisting busy tendrils. The hope in your version is less unadulterated than Guy Garvey’s though and you have a more interesting ambiguity going on. I do like the unobtrusive rhymes and slant rhymes -- wake/ape/shapes, ta-da/star.

And who can resist a rhyming couplet to finish with? (Well… quite a few I suppose, but not me)

Joe

[David Callin]

I like the second revision too. And if you really want to say "Wake your macrocosm" - which is a stirring call to arms, of a morning - I'm quite happy to accept it.

Cheers

David