[Joe Crocker]

Hi Carl, Late with my comments. I can see how this has stuck with you. It does cut deep.

When I read the first verse, it is not very clear what is going on. His shot has missed his horse, but isn't that a good thing? Why would he be trying to hit it? The later verses explain it, but I think your first verse is less clear than the original crib. I prefer the crib's, simple and bold "I was shooting at my horse". I have been playing and came up with an alternative for the first stanza.

We were sailing from Crimea
In the smoke and flames and loss.
I fired and missed. My aim unclear,
I was shooting at my horse.

As, I guess is normal in translation, I may have jumped one problem, only to trample on many other carefully arranged subtleties.

Cheers

Joe

[Matt Q]

Originally Posted by Carl Copeland

To cover two instances of “stern,” all I managed was one “deck.” I agree, that’s a failure of the translation, but I like it better than anything else I’ve considered. I’ll keeping rolling it around, though.

Just a quick thought: you might replace "deck then"/"not suspecting" with "stern then"/"not discerning".

Obviously, the main benefit is that it gets "stern" in, but it also provides a slightly fuller rhyme (not that you were necessarily looking for one), and "discerning" seems as close to the crib's "knowing" as "suspecting" is.

Matt

[Carl Copeland]

Thanks, Joe. You’re right that the Russian first stanza sets the scene more clearly, and your L4 (as in the crib) would help. The problem, of course, is with L3. The Crimea/clear rhyme is weak for me (though I suspect it sounds better to a British ear). Also, your L3 is iambic. The original meter is supposed to be trochaic, I think, though you could make a case for anapest-iamb-iamb. At the moment, I don’t see a fix that would make me happy, but your alternative gives me something to think about. Always appreciated!

[Carl Copeland]

Thanks again, Matt. I think I did consider “discerning” and dismissed it as sounding too intellectual for a horse. I could be wrong, though, and the advantages you mention might weigh more heavily in any event. I’ll let it percolate.