[Rick Mullin]

Floridian

The stewards of this ball park actually keep
a dirty vat of swarming ray fish to amuse
the fans. Black wings challenging the dreck
of concrete bleachers and rotating advertisement.
One almost admires the conservative clean-shaven
Yankee players in their orderly progress from field
to dugout, each setting an example at the plate.
A Prussian rectitude incapable of forgiveness
registers in the boxes as does the prospect
of a no-hitter well toward evening. Nonetheless,
both teams fall apart in the seventh inning.
The game becomes annoyingly interesting
as bases load and powder kegs go boom.
The sun sets citrus orange over Tampa Bay
where nothing can renew the breeze of nothing.
__
L14: Full disclosure: "sets" to "drops" and back.
L15: "revive" to "renew"
.

[Glenn Wright]

Hi, Rick—
I like the vivid images and the sharp contrast between South and North. I wondered if this was a mini-allegory of our current national divide. The last line is haunting, but puzzling. Were the explosions in line 11 an attempt to revive nature? I’m not sure whether to read it as “Nothing is able to revive the breeze from stillness,” or “Nothing is able to give life to the breeze of nothingness.”

The poem presents 15 lines of unrhymed almost-IP, but a few lines (notably lines 8 and 10) can’t be scanned without major contortions. This strikes me as a poem that either wants to be a sonnet or that wants to break free and be non-met.

On balance, it leaves a strong impression. “Prussian rectitude incapable of forgiveness” makes a nice contrast with the vat of dirty ray fish, and “annoyingly interesting” is a memorable description .

Glenn

[Carl Copeland]

Rick, this is a great example for me of a poem that needs to be read naturally, not metrically. When I read it for the meter, as is my wont, I did get jolted in places. In lines 2, 6, 8 and maybe 10, for example, you seem to want three unstressed syllables in a row, which I’ve been told is taboo. But when I tried reading the poem out loud in a conversational tone of voice, it came out sounding just fine. The IP beat was muffled at times and at times asserted itself, especially at the end.

Like Glenn, I found the last line lovely but puzzling. It could also be read positively: “nothing can renew the breeze of nothing.” You may welcome the ambiguity.

All in all, much enjoyed. I’d definitely rather read a good baseball poem than go to a game!

[Paula Fernandez]

Hi Rick--

I found this poem subject fascinating. I was quite surprised to learn from Google that the bit about the vat of ray fish at Tropicana Field is true!

Line 14 is my favorite image of the poem: "The sun sets citrus orange over Tampa Bay". You might consider the substitution "o'er" here which would shorten this to 5 feet from 6. But the image of the citrus orange sun is gorgeous.

Line 12 is, for me, the least effective line: "The game becomes annoyingly interesting". I'd love at this point if you were to loop me back to the fish from the beginning of the poem. Something like "Booming bats distract us from the fish and desperate runners start to take some risk". I'm just rapping with you here... You do you. But I feel that the overall theme of the poem is your secret preference for the fish and the sun over the action of the ball game, and so I'd love for the poem to double-back to the fish before the end.

[Nick McRae]

I don't have much to add or critique here, lately I'm finding myself trying to dissect some of your poems, rather than point out issues.

But I was struck by the last line, if only because I've heard the theme echo across a few other poems, my own included. There must be a tendency for boredom among poets (probably men, mostly), which is why we turn to writing.

The one thing I am curious about in this poem is that it reads like prose to me, so I'm trying to understand what makes it metrical, beyond similar line lengths, and pacing. Is it a known form, and if so, what is it?

Beyond that, as someone who also attends baseball games for the atmosphere, I quite enjoyed this one.

[Rick Mullin]

Thanks Glen,

It hadn't occurred to me that the North vs South might play into a reading hinged on the current national divide through an evocation of the previous one. That isn't too much of a distraction from my (intended?) reading of the poem. I like how the last line is coming across to you. It might be the most open to interpretation in the poem, right when a reader might want things to click shut objectively and handily. My apologies to that reader! I'm glad you find the images to be vivid.

I've been writing 15 line "sonnets" for a long time now. I'm not overly concerned with whether they would be called sonnets. Technically, I suppose, they wouldn't be.


Thanks Carl,

Yes, the lines are very loose, but I think the rhythm is maintained. I'm glad it works for you when read naturally. While it might not be a sonnet, I'm willing to die on the hill of insisting that it's blank verse! ~,:^)

I do welcome the ambiguity in the last line. I find it ambiguous, but manage to feel a meaning, if that makes sense. Lovely but puzzling ain't a bad way out of a poem, I'd say.

Hi Paula,

Thanks and welcome to the club, Paula.

You Googled the stadium rays! I'm kind of glad it checks out, but I really wish I'd made them up.

Glad you like line 14, which would be the closer of a doctrinaire sonnet (though I'd have to change some other things to make this really doctrinaire). As I mentioned to Carl, I'm comfortable with this poem as blank verse, though much of it is metrically loose. I do get five stressed beats in the line:

The SUN sets CITrus ORange over TAMpa BAY

In any case, I wouldn't go for the archaic "o'er", because that would make it more of a doctrinaire sonnet ~,:^)

I can see how the "annoyingly interesting" line can be a problem. I toyed with "dangerously interesting", but that just wasn't true to the mood.

Thanks a lot for your response.

Thanks again folks. It seems to be getting across that the baseball game is a metaphor. It's the only sport I am in the least bit interested in watching, though I rarely watch games. Not to be coy, I'll say that my intent (what I'm getting out of it) is a poem that describes certain aspects of aging.

Rick

[Rick Mullin]

Nick,

I think we cross-posted. Anyway, sorry I missed you.

I think you are with me in the spirit of that last line. As I mentioned above, the theme has to do with an experience of aging, very much from the male perspective.

Well as for the question of whether this is lineated prose... I'm glad you asked it. Also mentioned above, my target is blank verse with lots of enjambments. That means a five or at least five-ish count line. I can go to bat for five on all of them. But there is also the consideration of line integrity, which is kind of loose. But I'm a stickler for leaving each line with as interesting a word as possible. I don't think it flops over to the prose side, but it's ... loose.

Yes, baseball is all about atmosphere and the number 3! It's naturally a great arena for poetry.

Thanks,
Rick

[Nick McRae]

Thanks for the explanation. I'm still trying to get a handle on what metrical is and isn't, as I haven't gotten much of a chance to try it out yet.

Originally I'd envisioned it as a symmetrical, almost mathematical form of poetry, but lately I'm realizing I need to abandon this line of thought. It can be that, but doesn't have to be. The metrical types and forms are tools, not rules.