I love this, Cally. My favorite part is probably the first stanza, though it’s all terrific. I think Mary referred to a part as “effortless” (and I agree with her there), but that’s how I feel about the whole poem, especially that opening. The line breaks there are really swimming. Gliding and turning. Graceful, precise, beautiful. And I love “Other laws apply.”
I would stick with the original. The albatross lines come across as more immediate and meaningful there. In the revision, they are a bit overthought, imo. And, yeah, sure, the albatross doesn’t believe it is loved, but might this tell us more about the speaker? In any case, I think it’s a very human thing to attach our own thoughts and feelings to animals and objects. Yeah, I wouldn’t mess around much (if at all) with the original.
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Hybrid Mode
