[David Elliot Eisenstat]

A loose triolet. Like Yves, I’m not sold on the transformation; it seems overly compressed.

With only five different lines in the strict form, syllables are—by my lights—at a premium, and too many of these are spent on rhetoric. But for formal constraints, L3 could lose “at first”, “just”, and “silly” without compromising the meaning. L5’s “suggesting” and “always” seem inefficient.

[Jayne Osborn]

Hi Ralph,
For me, the stress lands on he compares ideal heights with earthly flaws which doesn't sound right to my ear.

I wonder whether it could be his ideal heights compare with earthly flaws ?

Jayne

[Christine P'legion]

Ralph, I'm afraid that I mostly find this poem confusing.

Ls4 and 5 are not clear to me. Is it the bird that suggests he isn't self-assured? (And how would a bird suggest that, exactly? Doesn't an eagle seem more like the opposite of that?) Or is it that the act of learning that his birth month has a bird somehow suggests that lack of assurance to him? I've read it through several times and I'm still trying to parse it.

Why does learning his bird-horoscope suggests he's not always confident make him confident? The "he compares ideal heights with earthly flaws" bit is the through-line there but I'm not following the logic.

I'm also not sure about the last line. Is an eagle "sprung" from its claws when it dives for prey? From its wings, rather, I should think. The claws are being propelled in front.

[RCL]

Yves, David, Jayne and Christine, thanks for optimistically trying to make sense of this. I’m trying again with this latest version, which is perhaps closer to what I was hoping for.