[Jim Ramsey]

Hi Jim M.,

Thanks for your thoughts. They are helpful.

Originally Posted by Jim Moonan

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Jim, I like some of the science in this but see little spirit. And I like the poetic thoughts that went into this. But I think it could be expressed more slantly than it is — and that’s coming from someone who craves clarity in some way shape or form to be contained within a poem. (I’m lazy.)

You are making this a consensus so far that my reference to "spirit world" in the title is not resonating. Your comment has a little extra in it I think. You seem to be referencing also the spirit of the poem itself, implying perhaps it lacks a little heart and emotion. That's a very fair thing to say, but was partly intentional on my part. I am always questioning what poetry is or isn't, which is somewhat delusional for a rarely published wannabe.



I would suggest that this is a work in progress and to keep experimenting with the lineation, the rhyme scheme (which is irregular) and the metrical aspect of it (I don’t think rises to formal metrical as I’ve become used to on this board).

I've never been satisfied with any of these things, but I did think I worked out the metrics for the most part though. I'kk keep working on it all.

My last suggestion is the most common suggestion made here on the Erato boards: continue to hone it down to its essential message(es). For example I think you could eliminate S3. It could be that the poem is six lines. Maybe eight. And it might be better for its brevity.

Like Glenn,the word “physic” also jumped out as being rhyme driven.

I was not simply shortening the word physics, but I think I've used physic so peculiarly that I'll have to revisit the issue. Like I said to Glenn, I meant it in an old-fashioned sort of way meaning a medicine or curative.

Then there's the afterthought I have whenever I read an explanation of how we are immortal beings because we are made from stardust: I think to myself, Is that all there is? Is that immortality? So there's that.

I know what you mean. I hope I am not sounding too rational in this. I tried to give it a comic touch with a lot of room left for speculation. I used to work in an office where everyone was highly educated. After I casually mentioned one day some "fact" I had learned about dinosaurs, a CPA, an attorney, and an MBA holder came into my office the next day with pamphlets and arguments proving that dinosaurs could not have existed more than six thousand years ago. My mother-in-law's church just voted to leave the national one over the issue of paying pensions to gay ministers. My wife went to the replica of Noah's Ark in Tennessee with some of her family last year. She was not very receptive of my negative opinion of God annihilating nearly all of humanity because people were getting a little uppity, not showing proper humility, and engaging in casual sex. There's got to be something behind the intricacies and beauty of the universe besides the inventions of fallible human beings, and I hope we keep working to discover it.

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