Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
  #38  
Unread 02-01-2025, 12:25 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 16,729
Default

In the last few lines, you give up the "we are three" trope and say I'm down and like a bitch. I think you might try to stay with the trope a bit more. An example of what I mean follows. I've also tried to get rid of "really", which seems like filler. Of course, this is just by way of example and is probably not polished enough to use without tinkering:

..............................................I dread
the odd times that I'm sidelined by that bitch,
but then he tells a joke and makes me laugh.
We’re two once more – and he’s my better half.
Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,510
Total Threads: 22,651
Total Posts: 279,323
There are 1285 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online