[Alex Pepple]

Hi, Jan,

This is quite evocative. I'm not familiar with the singer, but you've piqued my curiosity—I’ll have to sample her work!

Here are a few tweaks that might help with flow and musicality—feel free to take or leave them as you see fit!

Diana Ankudinova

Sing dark to me, engorge my heart,
in sounds of taste both round and full,
in voice of timbred, slow and low,
sing dark to me with life to fill.

Sing dark to me and charge my skin,
and fever every nerve with fire.
Dark songs will rise in burning blood,
thus fueling hunger and desire.

Suggestions & Why They Might Help:

1. "in sounds that taste" → "in sounds of taste both round and full"
   - "That taste" is more literal, while "of taste" makes it more metaphorical and abstract, reinforcing a sensory connection.
   - I like your "both round and full," which enhances musicality and imagery, making the phrase more immersive.
   
2. "in voice that’s timbred slow and low" → "in voice of timbred, slow and low"
   - Changing "that’s timbred" → "of timbred" makes the syntax more fluid and avoids the contraction, keeping the poetic tone more formal.
   - A comma after "timbred" helps separate and clarify the layered description, improving readability.
   
3. "sing dark to me, I’ve life to fill" → "sing dark to me with life to fill"
   - "I’ve life to fill" feels more introspective, but "with life to fill" shifts the focus to music as the vehicle for filling life, making it more natural and seamless.
   
4. "Dark songs to rise" → "Dark songs will rise"
   - "To rise" feels like an instruction, whereas "will rise" makes it more active and inevitable, reinforcing the sense of growing intensity.
   
5. "exciting hunger and desire" → "thus fueling hunger and desire"
   - "Exciting" is fine, but "thus fueling" feels more fluid and organic. It strengthens the cause-and-effect relationship, making the build-up more dramatic.

The atmosphere here is already strong, and these tweaks are just meant to enhance the natural flow and emotional intensity. Looking forward to seeing how this evolves!

Good luck, Jan!

Cheers,
...Alex