[Hilary Biehl]

Even though it is possible (in many places - some smaller or rural churches might not have the option) to meet the Sunday obligation by attending Mass on Saturday evening, the mother would probably not be anxious about missing it if she were planning on attending a Saturday evening Mass, since she would have opportunities the following day. I personally think it works as is.

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Nick McRae

I agree, it just felt a little off to me. Matt's mileage may vary.

Putting on my pedant shoes and thinking a little further about it, I think my issue is that it feels a little too strong in it's context without really adding much value to the line. It draws unwanted focus when I think you want that modifier to be a little more fluid and cohesive with the line.

People do describe snow as fat, and maybe it's more common in certain regions, but it's not a term I hear too often. So to me it's not completely out of the ordinary, but maybe a touch of an unusual descriptor which I found distracting.

My pedantic two cents.

[John Riley]

Great work, Matt. The last stanza is a great ending.

[Ashley Bowen]

Hi, Matt,

I haven't read anyone else's comments so forgive me if I repeat previous comments.

First, I like this poem a lot. The atmosphere it creates is palpably somber, and I feel that, as the poem moves along, the "room" of the poem grows increasingly darker. This is such a wonderful poem.

My only thought is that the poem sets up an expectation in S1 for true rhyme throughout. I can, and would like to, make a case that the movement toward near-rhyme is a function of the poem, showcasing that communication between the two personas in the poem is imperfect. And if I were teaching this poem to my lit class, that's exactly what I would say about this poem.

So, while I do think that setting up the poem as you do in S1 might be a liability, I think the grace and deftness of this poem overcomes that.

Thank you so much for posting this.

A. B.

[Matt Q]

Nick, Jan, Glenn, Hilary, and Ashley,

Many thanks for your comments.

Nick,

Thanks for coming back. And useful to know that "fat" is bugging you. I'm not following this, though:

Originally Posted by Nick McRae

What about still or some variant of calm, which implies fat snow without saying it outright.

How would "still" or "calm", imply large, heavy ("fat") flakes?

This is what I think the size of the snowflakes adds: The N is looking out of his window watching the snow falling. I want to make it clear that these are big flakes. It's a proper snowfall; it's more wonderous that a flurry of tiny flakes, and also it will settle. And the falling of these large flakes obscures the city night, which tiny flakes would struggle to do. And I'm hoping this both pre-echoes the covering up of mess in the final S and suggests the obscuration that dementia brings.

Jan,

Thanks, that's good to hear.

Glenn and Hilary,

Thanks for coming back to let me know it was clear to both of you that the mother was confused about the day and time. Because if that doesn't come across, the poem is in trouble. I do want the reader to recognise cognitive decline, if not actual dementia.

John,

Thanks, John. I'm pleased it works for you.

Ashley,

I'm glad the move from perfect towards imperfect rhyme works for you. If I'm honest, I hadn't really thought about why it didn't trouble me, but I like your justification. I guess it could maybe also be seen in terms of the progressive deterioration of dementia.


Thanks again, all

Matt

[Nick McRae]

Originally Posted by Matt Q

Nick,

Thanks for coming back. And useful to know that "fat" is bugging you. I'm not following this, though:

How would "still" or "calm", imply large, heavy ("fat") flakes?

I've experienced some snow in my day and my experience is that larger flakes usually fall more slowly as they're less dense and experience more resistance when falling. Smaller snowflakes are usually lighter and denser and fall more quickly, and when there is a storm this is often the type of snow we'll see. Larger flakes are more common on quiet days.

So when I'm experiencing a slow and calm snow the flakes are almost always large. There is a kind of stillness you experience when watching them compared to rain or a snowstorm.