[Bill Dyes]

John:

As I was reading this,
even for the first time,
the slow boil of it crested with "the sneaks"
and then it starts to re-heat again transcending it's container
with the "the lift of an ending light"
The constant weave between life and imitation of life
is very adept and knowing.
Well-crafted John.

Bill

[Stephen Hampton]

You have painted a vivid picture with your words; soulless, faceless, dreamless dummies. I vaguely recall such a painting? Care to share your inspirations?
All the best,
SWH

[Roger Slater]

I think you should cut the first line.

[Stephen Hampton]

Originally Posted by John Riley

Mannequins


Sturdy chests, women with hard breasts,
men free of groin, collected together
well-trained sophisticates full of talk,
secretly longing for sleep, giving one
another the sly eye, waiting to be fed
illusions of the glow of life, although now
they have nothing to remember,
no fleeting thoughts of things not seen:

Standing sneaks, against a wall,
some with hands lifted like charmers
tilting a cigarette, sighting enchantment.
How like our nights their nights are!
Without the lift of an ending light!

This is what I would do, but I'm not you
Just suggesting you might trim some?
Don't like ending with a L13.

[John Riley]

I've posted a revision based on the suggestions provided. Thanks again for the help.

[Harry Nicolas]

Hey John, this poem reminded me of the dolls by WB Yeats.
Like others have said the sneaks word felt out of place, but with the charmers word on the next line if you could maybe change it to “snakes” and play with the snake charmer concept maybe for me at least it might work, but otherwise I like this poem.